| Author | Post |
|---|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 31 December 2010 06:11 am |
|
Rekindling Mol
Hi. I'm Mol. I've been on CPH for 3 years now and a lot has happened. First and foremost, and most relevant to this site, I'm a single female, 41 years of age, 5'2" and currently weigh 140 pounds. When I first started my weight loss journey at the tail-end of 2007, at age 38, I had tipped the scales at a mind-numbing 202 pounds. I was also unhappy about a lot in my life.
This website and the journal which I started here became a lifeline, and more. It was the beginning of a new self-awareness. I became conscious that I had to "Change or Die". Literally. And so - change I did. I put work, an intense, fast-paced corporate job, on the back burner. Over the course of a year, by the end of 2008, I had lost 79 pounds, down to 123,and had taken up running and toning. I became a weight loss 'rock star'. I could run a 5K and more with ease. I looked and felt great. I discovered the joys of eating the "Good and the Green". And I divorced, ending a 14 year relationship with a loyal and caring but very dependent man. I started dating again. I started buying little black dresses and tall boots and going out dancing and turning heads...at 39 years of age (luckily, I've aged well  ). I started experiencing life in a full-color spectrum again, with a resurgence of creativity and energy which I hadn't felt in many years. "Fire and Wisdom" emerged as the simple truth for how I wanted to live my life.
While that is a monumental amount of change to have engineered in one's life in a year, in a way that was the easy part. The difficult part has been figuring out 'where to go next', how to spend my time, where to focus, what I want my life to become.  As an experiment, late in 2009 I took a promotion to a new global role, combining my professional skills and new personal freedom with a desire to see more of Europe - on someone else's dime no less.  This choice has been a source of turmoil though, because life started moving too fast before I really figured out what I wanted and I've been in a perpetual state of unanswered questions ever since.
So, I'm starting fresh with a new journal. It is time to clean house, to reexamine what belongs in my life, who and what I am investing my time and energy on, and rekindle that energy and creative spirit again. And importantly, to reconnect my physicial and emotional self, to get fit, feel great about my body, and take off these 17 extra pounds!
Welcome...and thanks for stopping by! 
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 31 December 2010 06:54 pm |
|
Sometimes, Life Changes For You
Yesterday I was thinking about how to create some more mental space, clarity, and connectedness in my life. So in the evening, I walked a mile to my favorite Starbucks to get out of the house, a little change of scenery to help me think and journal. And a pretty stark truth, I concluded, is that I have spun my wheels for the past year trying to make everything I thought I wanted "work", and there is just too much mental clutter and conflict. What I really need to do is take inventory, reprioritize, let go of some things and the renewed focus will get me moving forward again.
Deciding what to let go - even getting started by making a mental checklist - well, it was getting late and the shop was closing. This was a convenient way to postpone the diffcult task, which I will spend more time on the next couple of days. I know enough to say that letting go will in some way involve my work and in will some way involve the men (current and former) in my life. Maybe even journaling itself needs to go, or be greatly curtailed or evolve into something different. But identifying and making those choices is going to take a bit more time.
But with or without my consent, it seems that the first major change was put in motion immediately afterward. Jason, having returned from the hometown, came to see me well after midnight. He was here for about 25 minutes when it happened. He told me that had spent a lot of time while away thinking about me and had decided that he wanted to commit to trying a real relationship with me. But then once here in person, he said it just didn't feel right. It is just a gut feeling that it is not the right thing for him. It is not that he has changed in the way that he feels about me...it is just that he has so much to focus on in terms of other areas of his life, and is going through some major evolutionary changes, that a relationship on top of it all just doesn't fit. And so, each of us having said that we cannot continue things as they are right now, he made the decision to call us 'friends.' The word stung. I don't think either one of us knows what that means. It wasn't goodbye. We still held each other all night, and tried to comfort each other. But it did feel like whatever we've had, that which has brought and kept us together, is now gone for good. I said at one point "We're going to run out of chances"...and sadly, softly, he answered "I know." I think we just did.
I told him if I knew what was going transpire, I wouldn't have had him over. He told me that if HE knew what was going to transpire, he never would have asked to come over. We were both caught unexpected, and yet both of us have been heavily reflecting on where we are as individuals. I don't know how to feel. There's going to be a great big huge hole...and yet at the same time, the timing is such that it has to be a good thing for me right now. I thought I'd be torn up with anguish the minute he walked out the door this morning. But I'm surprisingly OK. Perhaps timing is everything. And not having had to make the difficult choice, having it made for me - it's getting off easy in that respect.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 31 December 2010 08:55 pm |
|
After eating very light yesterday, and nothing so far today, save a lot of coffee (diuretic), the scale is at 135.5. Kindof cool to see it, even if it is not real. Feels like tangible progress toward my goals I guess. My tummy's really flat. I don't have much of an appetite. EF called to touch base and told her what happened with Jason, during which I got pretty emotional, but then I recovered again. The previous times Jason walked away, I experienced times of peace which would become roiling anguish over my sense of loss, and then back again, emotional tidal forces.
I'm actually doing a bit of work and looking up the login information so I can start studying for my professional certification exam. I really want to accomplish that before the holiday weekend is over.
Last edited on 31 December 2010 08:56 pm by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 31 December 2010 10:36 pm |
|
| I ate an apple, and am fighting a strong urge for a cigarette - which I've quit for 6 days now. I've hit a bit of a rough patch - sitting around doing some work, waiting for Toolboy to call. The house is quiet - too quiet - and darkness has fallen outside. I need to get on with whatever our evening is going to be, shake this off, and go celebrate a time of new beginnings.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 1 January 2011 12:46 am |
|
Wow. This is an experience. I started freefalling for a bit, and couldn't raise Jason on the phone, and it reminded me of exactly 2 years ago, when everything fell apart with D, and how desperately alone and terrified I felt. Sitting alone in the house around the New Year holiday without any sound or music or anything on. Its pretty eye-opening to be going through the exact same thing right now, and be straight-out reminded that I haven't done enough to build up my support network, and it leaves me pretty vulnerable. I seem to be pretty good at repeating the mistakes of my past.
I was relieved when Toolboy and I got our plans for tonight sorted. I'm going to pick him up soon, dinner and some couch time, then off to see Pegboy for an hour or so. Jason's been a distraction the past few weeks and I've created some distance at times with Toolboy in order to make space. So hopefully it will be a good evening of some cozing and TLC and bonding a bit. He sounded in a good mood when we spoke.
*****************************************************
Happy New Year to everyone! May 2011 be the year you achieve the best possible health and fitness for yourself! You can do it! "Live Life! Fantastic!"
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 1 January 2011 05:43 am |
|
| Happy New Decade, Mol! That Jason is a tough guy to pin down, huh. I like the new journal, for starting the new year.
|
Hiker
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 1 January 2011 02:29 pm |
|
| Hey Mol, I love the idea of new journal, fresh start for the new year. Sometimes that is the best way, just start over.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 1 January 2011 07:27 pm |
|
Hi, Thanks Jack and Hiker! Hope you both had a fabulous New Year! Good gosh I really seem to have my work cut out for me!
Toolboy and I had a decent night. First I picked him up at his place (where I did have a single cigarette which really did work to calm me down). Got sandwiches from Jimmy John's (I haven't had a Big John in ages, it was yummy!) we watched The Quiet Earth and then toasted in the New Year at the Abbey. We only stayed for a few minutes of Pegboy though, because the sound was really bad and since Toolboy doesn't know their music it all, was just not enjoying it.
Back to my place, we broke out a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and my special occasion Waterford Crystal flutes, along with a little wine and cheese, and watched Boondog Saints (which I slept partly through) and the sequel, which I slept 98% through. Eh, they seemed like they were pretty entertaining...
He's still sleeping but I think will be getting up soon. I needed to come here for bit because I'm having a hard time staying in the moment right now. Work is simply freaking me out. Not just that, by my feelings about the rest of things are as well. I'm suddenly very clearly seeing that I've lost all about that wild live that I loved for a time, when I felt really ME, vibrant and alive. It's been slipping away, and I just realized that the loss I'm feeling about Jason is realy largely about THAT. He was part of me the entire time, the way he made me feel about myself carried over into my whole entire life. Not just strong, sexy, smart, but also infused with new musical influences, and someone who didn't follow society's rules about relationships.
I've got to realize that I am still the same person. He may have helped to bring those qualities out in me, but they came from ME.
I was also lying next to Toolboy and am pretty sure that this relationship is ultimately not right for me. It takes my time and investment and interest and it brings a certain companionship, it doesn't bring me the same sort of feeling about myself, like I am growing and a stronger person because of it. However, I think I need him for now, to help stave away the loneliness. Loneliness is like my own personal "langoliers".
I still haven't heard from Jason, and while I think he is probably OK and just really in a lot of pain, I also wonder if he lied to me yesterday. Maybe it WAS goodbye. Maybe he didn't mean it when he said he'd always be there for me. Maybe this was an example of not telling the truth immediately, because of sparing someone else's feelings...I don't know, but I guess having figured out that I am going to miss the way he made me feel, more than the him, himself, will help me to get through.
I hate this horrible anxiety I am feeling right now though. It is really bad. I've got to get a grip because it is not helping anything, esp, with Toolboy...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 2 January 2011 07:58 pm |
|
Connecting
Hello. It is 3PM and I am just back home from the New Years Day Extended Play Version. After lounging around in bed all day yesterday on NYD, Toolboy and I went out for a coffee at Starbucks, then ended up driving around for a bit. Ultimately I suggested we go somewhere where I could see some of his metalwork...we ended up at an Argentinean steakhouse where he and 3 other guys had fabricated chairs, shelves, walls, the sign outside...and so then we stayed and had dinner there. Nice bottle of spicy red wine and more meat than I ever want to see again in my life. I kept my quantities nicely under control though and I expect I still had less than 1200 calories on the day.
We were close to his apartment, and went in for a spell so he could shower, but decided to stay in for the evening and coze as I in particular was just worn out and unable to make the long drive out to the burbs where his friends were having a party. It was nice; comforting. I am still getting over being sick, or am sick again, and curled up with hot tea and honey, and a little TLC. We didn't get to sleep until nearly 5 because of the noise from the roommates' stereo, but at long last he located some Tylenol PM which did the trick.
It was, I think, a pretty important time in our relationship. I opened up to him a lot because I had to, I had to explain where I was, why I wasn't "there"; I was so depressed about a lot of things, questioning where I am at right now, the "right path" and the "wrong path" and just being consumed by anxiety. If we are going to be together then I need to be able to tell him what I am feeling and have him understand and relate. I can't be in a relationship where I keep it all bottled up. And so he listened. He comforted me. And he took care of me. I asked him to tell me what he likes about me, and his answers made me feel good about myself. We talked about us, and certain obstacles and concerns; I even told him about the night I almost left because he was so absorbed with watching anime with his roommate that he he failed to see how much I wanted and needed for us to spend some one-on-one time. About how he has these achievable hopes and dreams (including me, and a motorcycle, and kids and grad school) but they are pie-in-the-sky unless he can get a good job. He knows this and I know he's trying. It was a bit sobering I think for him to hear it all, but it helped him to understand the reasons why I am hesistant to allow myself to get closer right to him right now. And in the end, I felt the strength of his feelings for me; he loves me, he cares about me, he wants to take care of me. And it seems I learned that for this to flourish, it is up to me to be more open and direct about how I am feeling if I want him to understand and respond. He is not, and will never be, able to really "read" me...but how he responds when he has the information is quite promising.
Spending so much time with Toolboy didn't do anything to help me get the monumental amount of work sorted...but it did get me back to a mental place where I feel better capable of tackling it. The anxiety has abated. Part of me is wondering if the extra Wellbutrin was helping to feed it, I took it a couple of days in a row and then now have skipped it for 2 days. It is quite possible. It is also quite possible that Jason was the reason. Or the New Year. Or most likely, all if it balled together. In any event, I'm going to do some organizing and planning today and then go to watch league hockey with SB tonight. Trying to not think about Jason. It is better that way. I haven't heard from him, and there is so much emotion there, it just sort of knocks me down and renders me useless. I don't want to be in that headspace. I want to be in a forward-looking headspace and objectively look at my options going forward to get back to living a richer, more rewarding life.
**********************************************************
Haven't eaten yet today, I have been eating fewer calories for the past several days and I like feeling how flat my tummy feels. Of course, I'm not back working out yet; the continued "sick" is making it impossible, but at least I'm not packing on anything incremental to take back off. Little steps in the right direction.... 
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 3 January 2011 04:25 am |
|
Nobody Dies
I had some Gino's East Deep Dish Sausage Pizzo for dinner and weighed in after at 137.5. I still think I'm a bit dehydrated but it seems like my tummy is shrunk and my appetite and food portions are back under control. Along with Triscuits earlier I'm around 1200 for the day. OK, I realize there is no Green in there, but I'm sick, and eating salad isn't appealing right now.
I watched a comedy then went to watch league hockey with SB and catch up with her. Keeping my mind occupied and getting out of the house are helpful. Toolboy and I decided to not get together tonight; each of us is aiming to get to bed shortly and try to improve sleep and health. I'm still a little croupy and congested and mostly still exhausted.
Tomorrow I'm planning to walk to Starbucks (exercise!) and do some work and probably see a few peeps too. It's technically a day off, but I need to work on getting some kind of game plan together to pick up the pieces from this failed time off...and see what can be 'let go' or postponed. As I said to Toolboy, there deadlines and priorities and people's careers and money involved - but nobody will actually die if this stuff doesn't get done on time. I can't let it ruin my life.  And if I fail, let them fire me. I know it sounds bad to people who can't find work, but I've been working without a break for nearly 20 years...I wouldn't mind going on unemployment for 6 months.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 3 January 2011 04:22 pm |
|
Every day I keep thinking I'll feel better the next day. This morning I set my alarm for 8:30 and planned to walk to Starbucks and do some work. Instead, couldn't fall asleep last night, and so hit the snooze all morning and it is now 10:30. I'm still sick. My throat hurts and my voice is all squeaky and I'm still exhausted. I've got green stuff coming out of my nose. I don't think I'm going to make it in for my passport photos today. Add to that knowing how far behind I am at work, and no communication overnight from Jason and, well, I just am kinda sad that 2011 is off to such a poor start.
************************************************************
Communication from Jason wouldn't change the facts, but it would feel better after everything we've shared, everything we've meant to each other, all the support that we have given each other, to know that we could still be there for each other. At least it sounded like that is what we both wanted...maybe in reality, it is going to be too difficult for one or both of us to make the transition to 'friends'. Sometimes I can't breathe when I think that I might never hear from him again, or when I think about moving his stuff into the basement (I can't bear to throw it out), or even taking his stupid guitar pick out of the jewlelry box next to my bed where I have kept it close for 18 months. Ugh. I guess it is still too soon...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 4 January 2011 12:48 am |
|
Well, I did go over to Starbucks for about 4 hours (via car) and got some plans in order for what to tackle at work first, and started working on a workplan for the "G" project which is causing me to lose sleep. I responded to a vmail from Pitch last night via text; we may get together some time this weekend. Also responded to a NYE message from Blackie, and he offered a supportive ear. L asked me to dinner at the Mexican place, so we went for an hour, early. I was hoping Toolboy would be able to come over tonight as I am missing him, but he doesn't have access to the car and I'm just too whipped to go back out driving. On the couch for the night, have already set my alarm, and have pretty much resigned myself to just sleeping then going back to work in the morning.
I'm trying to book a few days' getaway to my favorite resort in Scottsdale but the rates are really quite high in January, like $400 a night. It's not a question of can I afford it; rather should I? Especially when you know the folks next door who booked early are paying half the price? Ugh...Toolboy is disgusted that I would consider spending that kind of money when I could go camping for almost nothing, but there's a happy medium in there for me somewhere...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 4 January 2011 02:50 am |
|
Lullaby
Well, my "sick" rendered me pretty useless the rest of the evening. I am starting to wonder if it could be pneumonia or something, as I am just SO run down. Tired to the core. Crying easily. Etc.
I actually took Nyquil, which I am not a fan of, but I'm getting desperate for restorative sleep. Hope it kicks in fast.
Anyway, score small points for Toolboy. I needed some TLC and was wishing he'd send me the signature song from the night of our first date. I dropped a hint via text; admittedly I served him up a fattie but he did correctly guess the song and promptly posted it on my networking site page where I can listen to it as I go off to sleep tonight.
Assemblage 23 - Lullaby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlzQqToPchM
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 4 January 2011 07:35 pm |
|
Hi Mol,
Nobody's going to get killed - let them fire me - good, true thoughts. Having *been* fired, I can assure you that I'm still alive and kicking.
I agree with trying to avoid thinking about Jason. I understand more than before how special he is to you. But, based on what you've said, he is not ready to commit in any way, and by all indications, never will be - you deserve better. As someone with your best interests in mind, I suggest that you abandon hope. If you can, cease all communication with him.
On the Toolboy front, it sounds like encouraging progress. Opening up seems to have worked. And the fat hints - pure gold for a clueless-guy-boyfriend types, who are in the vast majority, I'd wager.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 4 January 2011 10:45 pm |
|
Wow. First day back in the office since before Christmas...and still not feeling better...I'm whipped. Just stopping home to change and rest a little then going to pick up Toolboy and bring him back here. It is completely self-serving of course, as I am exhausted and not going to be very good company, but I just want to feel comforted and soothed.
The factor which most prevents me writing to Jason is simply that I don't know what to say. I will always love and care about him but I don't feel motivated to be 'just friends'. I don't want to know if and when he decides to get involved with someone else. I don't want to keep deluding myself and hanging on in the interim. And I don't think he's coming back to me ever again. If he did, well, he can just as easily write to me. I guess we're just two people whose fantasies and hopes never quite aligned with reality...and once things got too 'real', we broke it. It's my fault, really, if my feelings hadn't become so intense and I was OK leaving things the way that they were, there was a lot we still could have offered each other. But I knew it and was honest with him from very early on - I have strong emotions and they overpower everything else.
Wow, my eyes are shutting...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 4 January 2011 10:51 pm |
|
And just now...the first communication...an email apology for not answering when I called Friday a few hours after he left here, when I was freefalling...and a song...which I'm not going to listen to...at least not right now...
...no, I need rest...and Toolboy...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 5 January 2011 10:25 pm |
|
Cough. Coughity Cough Cough.
Bit of a broken record here; I'm still sick, finally went to the doctor today and it is not bronchitis or pneumonia; just one of those lingering coughs you treat with Mucinex and Robutissin D. Last night I could only sleep propped upright, which was unfortunate because Toolboy spent the night over and we couldn't cuddle very well.
We did have a nice dinner at the Irish place first (which I coughed through pretty much). There was live music which was nice and helped him to shake his funk. Toolboy was as distressed as I've ever seen him, over the job thing; he had a promising lead suddenly disappear since he is not fluent in Chinese (grrrrrr-well into the process-idiots). And he had a 'heated discussion' yesterday with a roommate about his income status as they are all stretched to breaking on paying rent and bills right now.
Certain Feelings
Anyway, at dinner he brought up that he has "certain feelings" for me and he knows he needs to get a job as a foundation to making all the right things happen, and he's so frustrated. L never made the real connection between his working (or not working) choices and the good and bad things which unfolded in his life; he always had a 'victim' mentality and never accepted accountability for his lot. Toolboy sees it very cleary, he knows it is all up to him and there will come a point where I'll become disillusioned if he's not making substantial progress toward his goals. I tried to reassure him that I'm not going anywhere right now...but we both know he needs to 'make it happen' to have a shot at a long-term 'us'.
Rippings Apart
In other news, another song and another apology from Jason via email overnight. From the lyrics, they are about endings, painful rippings apart. I still can't/won't listen to them. The only way I can cope with my feelings of loss is to keep them bottled up and pushed to the side right now. Pitch texted me today to invite me to another concert in early March. I don't know wtf I'm going to do if he starts making overtures toward me again. I'm supposed to get together with him this weekend, first time since his engagement came and went. Right now, there's a lot to like about Toolboy, but I've always felt that Pitch and I were pretty ideally matched in our views, thoughts, interests, social position, etc. As well as, after all, being from the same hometown and all that entails about who you are as a person, the places you remember, who you know, etc...
For now, I just want to spend the evening ordering out dinner and snuggling on the couch under my blanket. A nap would be spectacular. I've got a big departmental dinner tomorrow night after work and my stamina is terrible right now.
I really wish I didn't care about men. They are my worst weakness and mind/time clutter.
Last edited on 5 January 2011 10:27 pm by mollymoo24
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 6 January 2011 12:31 am |
|
The Decemberists are releasing a new album on January 18. Here's a "preview" video link to one of the new songs...bestill my heart with its beautifulness...I love this band...this is one of the highlights of my 2011 so far... 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo1lokHr6A0
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 6 January 2011 03:24 pm |
|
One Tough Bug
Well, I did go to bed early last night, and took Nyquil and all that...but still woke up exhausted...I didn't make it to work yet. I have to go, because of a big dinner tonight, so I'll leave here around Noon. Still coughing and still green crud; I can't believe how long this is going on and how sick I still am. Seriously! 2011 is NOT getting off to a good start at all!
|
Hiker
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 6 January 2011 10:46 pm |
|
| Molly, you have been sick off an on for awhile now. It seems like you got some kind of bug you just can't totally shake. Have you had a check up lately? Maybe some of your numbers are off? Just a thought. Hope you are feeling better soon.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 7 January 2011 11:45 pm |
|
Determined to Get Well - In Every Sense
Well, I'm still rather whupped and overslept a little this morning, but made it to the office a bit after 9. Was ready to take a nap about 2ish though. I decided that desperate times call for desperate measures so, in spite of the cost, booked a 4 night stay at my favorite resort in Scottsdale leaving in 9 days. That's the soonest they had rooms and also a better week for me to be out of the office. I'm looking forward to rest, respite, reflection, and health!! Oh, and exercise - outdoors no less!!!
Meantime, my domestic situation is rather pathetic. I've no fresh food in the house, and the laundry needs doing, the garbage is overflowing, etc. Suits draped over furniture and not hung up. I'm planning a very quiet evening and then, fingers crossed, I'll be more rested tomorrow and will get the house back together. I spoke with Pitch and his mom is expected to pass away this evening, but he still wants to get together tomorrow evening so that is the plan - I expect the company will be important for him. He sounded OK when we spoke, it has been expected for so long, it will probably be a mixed blessing, albeit a highly emotional event.
I still haven't listened to Jason's last songs or responded. I'm still too numb/protective/sick to deal with any of it. I suppose I'll be in a better headspace when I go on my little vacation escape, and will probably be able then to put it in its proper perspective. Looking forward to that, I think it will be some really valuable downtime for me. Also got my study materials for my certification exam today, so I can take those with, along with Infinite Jest.
Somehow, some way, I just said "screw it" and managed to carve out this time and space for myself to do what is most important. To put myself first and do what I need to do. It is still 9 days away, but it feels good to have it to look forward to.
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 8 January 2011 02:15 am |
|
Hey Mol,
Vacation in Scottsdale? Sounds great. On guys taking up so much mental resource - it's for sure a lot of overhead goes into that when your single. Still, it's worth it if you're not stuck in a dead-end marriage. Better to be single a deal with all the hassles that come with it.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 8 January 2011 03:37 am |
|
Pure Energy
One of the things I like about this resort I am going to is the use of fire at especially at night time; giant torches over the pool at night; firepits around; fireplaces inside and out. Fire is so elemental, and always comforts and energizes me; it is pure, it is light, it is heat, it is energy. It is particularly fitting that "Rekindling Mol" will take me to this special place.
I'm starting to feel a bit better. A short while ago I had probably the best-feeling moment I have had in 2 weeks. So I got the kitchen cleaned up and am running the dishwasher. I'm one of those people for whom getting the clutter physically out of the way makes me mentally clearer, so it is also a step in the right directionson for that reason. I'm optimistic with some good sleep tonight, tomorrow is going to be a markedly improved day.
Bad Habits
I saw Dr. B yesterday on the way out to the office and we covered pretty much how I'm physically and mentally in a hole right now, how I've lost my spark and need to get it back. It's really been a downtrend for a couple of months since October, and we both see it, and it is a depressive low. I'm working on identifying bad habits - maybe non-obvious as well as obvious ones. As an example, tonight I probably checked emails 25 times over the course of the evening, while watching a movie, opening mail, and hanging out on the networking site...all out of habit/hope for a few words from Jason. Even after 18 months, there was a thrill with every message, a question of what it would hold, maybe about when to get together, or some deep seated thoughts about something one or the other was experiencing, or some music/lyrics, or whatever. You know in You've Got Mail where she talks about how her breath catches and she thrills every time she hears those three little words - "You've Got Mail" ...I guess I'm similarly programmed with anticipation. Except now, the anticipation is equally mixed with dread, but I just can't seem to stop. I guess I need to disable the email account I use with Jason again...the way I have the other times we've ripped apart.
Baby steps will get me there...I just can't wait to get on with the feeling better and exercise part!!
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 8 January 2011 05:20 pm |
|
Very good point. In Zen Habits, the author points out how we get a short term pleasurable feedback from email, messages etc., but it's to our long term detriment (interrupts our creative time). He recommends scheduling disconnected periods, checking emails etc. once a day, let everyone know you're only going to be connected at that time. A lot of the common theme of these gurus is simplification. Do more with less. Even for me, being out of work, I've cut out sweets and spending on fast-food just to save money. I'm being more careful about how much stuff I use. Just trying to be more attentive. I'm at borders right now, and I got the tea for two bucks instead of the latte for four - 50% off.
Of course, it's easier to do that when you're not dealing with a stressful job and *have* to watch your pennies. All the better if you can pull it off in that situation.Last edited on 8 January 2011 05:23 pm by jackbenimble
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 8 January 2011 09:06 pm |
|
Simplicity begets focus, and focus begets success. Life doesn't need to be so complicated, but we tend to make it so.
Today's simple goals:
1. Be aware of, and count, everything which goes into my mouth.
So far: Omelet (1 egg+2 whites, mushrooms, 1.25 oz cheese) - about (270) + 1 slice 12-grain toast (120) + coffee (0) = 390.
2. Put the internet away, and leave it away (after this post).
I need to do this. I've been on the networking site and also checking for messages from Jason and sent him one. Enough.
3. Get quality sleep tonight.
I didn't sleep well last night, it was past 3:30 when I finally went out; woke up at 8:30 and then for good at 10:30. Consequently am not having the re-energized day I was hoping for. I think the cold medicine keeps me wired and the coughing keeps me awake.
Toolboy is screwing around and I don't know if there will be time now for him to come over. I've yet to hear from Pitch on what time he wants to get together but imagining it will be by 7 or so.
|
Hiker
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 8 January 2011 10:52 pm |
|
Mol, great goals and I think you are right, sometimes we do need to simplify and focus. It's not an easy thing to do but you have a great start. If we just simplify life can be so much easier, more within our control.
BTW, thanks for stopping by my diary just wanted to let you know I copied your idea and started a new diary on Jan 1st, it's titled " Hiker's Do-Over".
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 9 January 2011 03:37 pm |
|
First order of business - accountability for yesterday:
1. Calories: Turkey burger patty cooked in olive oil on 12-grain bread with light thousand dressing: (180+110+90) = (380). Small amount of nuts + pita chips (125). 5? gin and diet tonics (750-my my this is a guess). Total yesterday = 1645. Wow. I used 2 oz. gin for the drinks but I don't know if that is too much or too little. But they're definitely diet killers.
2. Internet: Didn't stick to it entirely, but did put the 'puter away in between the few brief times I came online to check for things. Then Pitch was over. I still checked it before going to sleep though and responded to emails from Jason.
3. Sleep: This one I did well on. Facilitated by the alcohol no doubt, but was asleep by 1 and awoke at 8:30. That's a pretty reasonable schedule/sleep for a Saturday night.
Today's simple goals:
1. Cigarettes: None. (yeah, I've been having 1 a day for the past week and then had 3 last night. enough already).
2. Calories: Be aware and count everything going past my lips. I'm waiting for a Peapod delivery, fresh food in the house will help a lot.
3. Internet: I'm going to write another CPH entry regarding personal updates, then I'm going to limit myself to coming back on during 3 time windows of not more than 30 minutes total. 3PM, 6PM, 9PM. That still sounds like a lot but I'm just aiming to start the habit Jack described of structuring my internet time.
4. Sleep: Be in bed by 10:30. Take Xanax if needed.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 9 January 2011 04:31 pm |
|
OK...Peapod arrived. Lunch was a turkey and swiss sandwich (290) and a lite and fit yogurt (80). Fresh food in the house! The Return of the Good and the Green! Produce! Hummus! Woo hoo...
now on to that 'other stuff'...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 9 January 2011 05:27 pm |
|
About Last Night
I seem to be inclined for a nap...but I am supposed to get together with Toolboy for the first time in several days. My desire to see him is pretty non-existent right now. Because, after spending time with Pitch, I feel the difference in my feelings towards one versus the other.
It is a bit hard to explain, or even to understand. Pitch is definitely much more complex, unpredictable, and moody. He's high anxiety and prone to depression and he drinks too much to cope with it. But he's also so much larger in the depth and breadth of who he is. How worldly, how honest, how communicative. He's strong and yet he doesn't see himself that way. We're so much alike...as he put it "two peas in a pod". Toolboy is strong and steady, and experienced, and smart, but the way he experiences the world is so much more fact-based, and not emotionally connected. His interests and mine are aligned "big picture" (music, for example), but not aligned in the details (metal music, for example). Pitch just feels "larger and deeper", we have a much broader, richer scope of alignment and connectedness in what resonates with each of us.
So the truth is, while I didn't want or expect anything to happen last night, something did. Not major, but he moved in to kiss me...and I told him not to, that I didn't want him to regret it the next day or the day after or the day after...and we talked about how both of us feel some kind of barrier to 'us', maybe because we don't want to risk the friendship...how compatible we are and how easy it would be for us in each other to come together and have the family life we've both envisioned...but how he has a lot going on emotionally that he needs to sort out....and then he kissed me anyway and we ended up making out a bit and lying on the couch holding each other.
Pitch brought up the letter I'd sent after his engagement...glad that he did, because I never could have...and said upon reading it, he never felt more loved in his life. And he said that is why it took him a few days to respond to it. I never said in it that I loved him or anything romantic, just that I'd never separated out the feelings I'd developed for him over the prior summer (09), spoke more about my esteem for him, ways in which he has impacted me and our obvious compatibility. Last night I told him I wished he knew how amazing a person he is. Then he said the same thing to me. And he meant it. We're two amazing people with self-confidence and anxiety issues and think we have nothing to offer. We really are so much alike...
He stayed overnight in the spare bedroom, and this morning we were having coffee snuggled next to each other on the couch when the phone rang. His sister, calling with the news that his mom finally passed. We were both glad that he was here with me and not home alone when the news came. He called his 2 closest friends (who are from HS so I know them both) and the first one asked where he was, and he straight out said at my house (at 9AM on a Sunday). JN knows that Pitch and I had an interest and I'm guessing also knows about the letter etc and in a way I'm glad he knows Pitch was over here. He's influential and will help Pitch sort through what to do about me.
Pitch only talked about his ex-fiancee when I asked, and said they hadn't spoken in 2 months. How after 12 years of never being in the same city or being able to make things happen to be together, they finally put it to the test and it didn't stand up; now he feels like he can move on. I told Pitch a bit about Jason, how it seems like after 18 months, and mostly via email, we tried to make it "real" and it broke. I couldn't/didn't want to bring up Toolboy, even though I'd mentioned I was seeing someone in the letter I wrote to Pitch 2.5 months ago, and my motives there are transparent enough...I don't want Pitch to hold back, which he might if he know I was involved with someone else.
But all this means, is I need to figure out what to do. I hate to break up with Toolboy if this thing with Pitch was just one pleasant evening and then he retreats again. Maybe I should though. I mean, I've wrestled with what to do about Toolboy for quite some time now and clearly don't love him if I sway this easily. I kept hoping love would grow and have been trying to work on it but maybe it isn't meant to be. But then again, the "head" thinks I'm better off with someone more steady and stable and that's part of why I like Toolboy.
Ironically, yesterday afternoon I was feeling the closest I have in a long time in feeling OK about being alone, about breaking free and letting go of all 3 of these men. I was feeling how much closer I could get to myself and my own thoughts and feelings and needs without the clutter, complication and time consumption of guys in my life. I've been so desperately using guys to stave off the loneliness and that I'm only going to cure that if I get my thoughts and emotions free from the morass.
But it seems right now, I've still got all 3 on the brain, and an obligation to call Toolboy and get together today. I'd rather just be alone, and nap, and have Mol time.
Last edited on 9 January 2011 10:50 pm by mollymoo24
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 9 January 2011 05:48 pm |
|
| That was such a good idea to stop Pitch. I like the emerging feeling of independence. I know you will have your ups and downs like we all do, but it's a good trend.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 9 January 2011 07:29 pm |
|
Ha Jack, well in reality methinks I didn't protest very convincingly. I was pretty willing to go right along on the 2nd attempt.
And yeah, I'm back early because I'm being bad-bad-bad on the internet thing. I tried napping, after (thankfully) getting Toolboy's vmail and leaving a message that I was going to nap and would ring him later. But I feel now like I have a hangover. I couldn't fall asleep and instead went looking at poetry to find something to send to Pitch, and reading through last night's email exchange with Jason again. Still haven't listened to the songs and don't know when I might ever feel up to doing so.
At least I'm being good on eating - got the urge for a snack and staved it off with some grape tomatoes (30). Yay for the Good and the Green...er...Red!
Having some green tea to try to overcome my yucky head. But now I want cake???!!!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 9 January 2011 08:01 pm |
|
| No cake - salad! Leafy romaine (20), red pepper strips (12), grape tomatoes (15), feta cheese crumbles (30), light walnut/raspberry dressing (45), 3 water crackers (45) = 167.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 9 January 2011 10:27 pm |
|
Hmmm...I've had food on the brain all afternoon. Must be because I consumed mostly alcohol calories and not much food yesterday. So I finally decided to go make the chicken I had planned for dinner but somehow ended up turning it into stir fry with rice noodles and pad thai sauce. So, no lo-cal here, seeing as there is a lot of oil used in the cooking, but my portion was not huge and focused more on the chicken. Estimated: 600 cals.
I finally talked with Toolboy. Turns out he hasn't had a phone all day since his roommate comandeered it without asking and finally figured out why he hadn't heard from me. So we've made plans to get together at his place around 7:30, hoping to take a walk, and hoping I'll have shaken my hangover remnants by then. I need to decide if I'm going to say anything 'about last night'.
I was thinking this afternoon that I seem to have a hard time being really completely honest with anyone these days...which is probably making it difficult for me to be honest with myself, as I'm always hiding thoughts or feelings in one way or another. What would happen if I was just open about everything, the way I was last year with PAG? How can any man truly love 'me' when they don't even know half of what 'me' really is? That I'm this crazy mixed up chick with balled up emotions and attractions to multiple guys at any given time? And can I be satisfied in any relationship where I am hiding parts of myself? Again, this takes me back to what meant so much about Jason, the bare openness and honesty.
I was reading a passage in Infinite Jest yesterday and there was a mention of woman going to a "Love and Sex Addicts Anonymous" support group. I thought this was interesting and maybe this kind of thing really exists and might actually help me to see that there are other people like me trying to cope with this whole addiction to thinking about guys, to being in relationships, to try to discern what is healthy thinking and what is not. This website had an interesting article about Love Addicts and their attraction to the Emotionally Unavailable. http://searchwarp.com/swa11367.htm I don't honestly think I'm as bad as the article states (i.e. neglecting onesself) but then I do think I have these tendencies (i.e. neglecting onesself!). It's based upon trying to heal some childhood wound which you've never really resolved. There is a line of thinking here similar to what I was on the last time Jason and I ripped apart, when I was reading "Women Who Love Too Much", and thinking about the issues/dynamics I had with my Dad. Maybe I need to pull that stuff back out as part of getting on the right track.
I do love it when I can step outside my relentless thought patterns and actually see something useful. This is only possible however when I'm not stressed out and I have some Mol time. Makes me sad that I've got an insane work week ahead. At least I'm going in for a hot stone massage tomorrow after work. Good for the mind-body connection.
I know my journal isn't exactly all about weight loss. In fact lately there's been very little weight loss and exercise in it at all. But I guess, what I can see, is a certain out-of-controlness which has manifested itself in eating and exercise as well as in my thinking about myself and the men in my life. I think I want to go back on the W again but more importantly, I need to detox from all of it.
And the stupid internet.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 10 January 2011 12:09 am |
|
I ate more of the pad thai (400) and some chocolate chips (80). Going to Toolboy's now, perhaps we can manage to burn off a little by taking a walk.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 10 January 2011 04:05 am |
|
Well, we only walked a mile because Toolboy was cold. I'm surprised he's such a wimp. I enjoyed it though even though my coughing got aggravated. -100 calories or so. He's pretty much a big ball (OK cube) of anxiety right now and while I tried to distract him and make him feel alright, he's got a bit of a brain loop going on...tomorrow though he is going to make use of a 1 week trial gym membership and I know that the exercise will really help.
I sent off a check-in email to Pitch and now am going to take my Nyquil and go to bed. I was in fact in bed at 10:32, but then have wasted 30 minutes on the internet. My how time flies unproductively among the bits and bytes.
|
Nir
Senior Administrator
|
Posted: 10 January 2011 01:08 pm |
|
mollymoo24 wrote: there was a mention of woman going to a "Love and Sex Addicts Anonymous" support group. I thought this was interesting and maybe this kind of thing really exists
Last year I spent about 15 minutes attending a LSAA meeting
...before getting the courage to get up and leave and look for the correct room and find the Overeaters Anonymous meeting which was the actual reason for my visit to that complex
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 10 January 2011 05:50 pm |
|
LOL Nir, thanks for sharing that story.
****************************************************
OK Accountability for Yesterday:
1. Cigarettes: None. Woo Hoo! Did something right!
2. Calories: 1797. Well I did count everything, even if it was ugly. For some reason I got out of control at dinner time and just couldn't control my portions, even though I wasn't really hungry any more.
3. Internet: #$%&%*.
4. Sleep: In bed by 10:30....but then screwed around on the laptop for another 30 minutes. So-so.
+ Exercise: Got in a leisurely 1 mile stroll.
****************************************************
Scale is at 139 this morning.
***************************************************
This is hard to believe, but I've still got a cough and am dealing with exhaustion (I was pretty knocked out after the walk last night). I woke up dead tired and after hitting the snooze and then resetting my alarm a few time I ended up cancelling some meetings and my massage and calling in sick to work. I'm just getting up here around Noon and will go make coffee in a little bit. I'm sure going back to the office and facing the insane stress is not helping me to want to go in and struggle for a few hours. Instead, I'll get on my work laptop after lunch and try to prioritize and work through a few things.
Don't ever take your health for granted folks. I'm grateful every day that I know I'm going to be healthy again soon.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 10 January 2011 07:06 pm |
|
Just wondering, maybe the Nyquil is doing something to kill the quality of my sleep. I'm pretty sure I was asleep shortly after 11 last night so waking up at 6 I shouldn't have felt like complete crud...I think I woke up around 4 and went on the 'net for a while, not totally sure. At points in my life I've been known to do things in my sleep...talk, get up and fix the bed, maybe I'm surfing in the middle of the night more than I know...surely I do check emails/networking site/etc if I wake up.
Resolve for tonight: sleep in the bed - away from the computer.
Simple Goals for Today:
1. Sleep: In bed by 10:30. This means in the BED not on couch.
2. Cigarettes: None. So far not even having any cravings.
3. Calories: Count everything which passes my lips. (OMG I forgot to count Nyquil last couple of nights - smacks forehead!). So far today: Omelet consisting of 1 egg+2 whites (120), grape tomatoes (20), red pepper bits (15), bleu cheese (70), 12-grain toast (110) and coffee (0) = 335. Omelets. Breakfast of Champions.
4. Internet: This one is a real achilles heel. I've promised to touch base with a friend via chat around 6. I don't really seem to have my heart into sticking with Internet windows right now. Instead, I'm going to try to highlight my other goals and objectives, with the thought that achieving those by necessity will mean restricting my internet time.
Accordingly: Other Goals for the day
Work from 2-6. Reschedule meetings, catch up on emails, work on 2 H/R projects, prioritize rest of work into manageable chunks and timings. Remember, nobody dies.
At 6, chat with friend 15 minutes. Call Pitch to follow up on offer to keep him company for a bit. If yes, limit visit to an hour, say 8-9.
OK, I gotta run and be productive. :)
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 10 January 2011 09:30 pm |
|
| Um. Not productive. Sleepy and dizzy. Perhaps it is the Mucinex, which is something I'm not accustomed to taking. In any event, I had 2 chicken sandwiches (bread 220, chicken 200, light miracle whip 50, minimal pad thai sauce 30) = 500. Cigarette cravings are moderate but the cough keeps me motivated to not smoke. Ready for a nap. zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 11 January 2011 12:13 am |
|
Well, I just had a smoke, which doesn't make me too happy and yet made me happy. 
Blissfully enough, I'm settling in for an early and quiet evening. I told Pitch I was under the weather and wasn't up for getting out of the house. He was up packing things at his mom's house and then has decided to play hockey tonight anyway which I think will be good for him. He's definitely down about his mom and not sleeping, so staying busy is what he needs.
Toolboy also isn't coming over as he has both a phone interview and an in-person interview tomorrow. He needs to do his company research and stay focused. I really hope the in-person one turns into something, it sounds like a good match and a very good lead. He really needs to land a job soon to turn it around, he's definitely in a bit of a pit.
So anyway, this is perfect for me. Mol time. I should be using the time to catch up on work, at least the HR stuff but I'm still so unfocused and dizzy. I think I'll just ruminate on priorities and what I need to do to be OK and take care of myself. Perhaps try to read more of Infinite Jest, or WWLTM, then take some xanax and go to sleep early.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 11 January 2011 02:03 am |
|
Dinner: 1 PBRC (40+75) + Hummus (75) + Baked Scoops (120) = 310. + Chocolate Chips (100).
Total calories for day: 1245.
Talked w/EF and brought her up to speed on Pitch. The operative factors seem to be that it is not the right time, with his mom passing and all, and with me needing to make a decision about Toolboy...at the same time, signs being there that Pitch and I know that something's possible, and even amazing, if we both want it...but that I may also have to push, when the time is right, to get him over the hump. It's complicated, but I feel OK about it all right now, and it seems good for me to not spend time with anyone, or to even think about it too much.
The visitation and funeral services are Saturday, in the hometown. Same funeral home as for my mom, and her father before her. Kinda works that way in small towns. Planning to see EF afterward, then will come home and pack for Scottsdale.
Took my Xanax a while ago, watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2nd time, before sending it back to NetFlix)...hoping for a good sleep and a more energized day tomorrow...
|
Hiker
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 11 January 2011 11:05 am |
|
| Hey Molly, glad you are getting a little time to go to Scottsdale, with your health not great lately it will probably be really good for you. Keep fighting that battle with the cigarettes....it's a tough one for sure but you can do it
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 12 January 2011 01:36 am |
|
On the Upswing...Finally!
Thanks Hiker. I was not at all a good girl with the smokes today, having had 2 in the AM, then buying a new pack after work to have the third. I know it was work-related. But thanks for the encouragement and I will keep at it!
So I drove in a snowstorm nearly 50 miles to go to my dentist, then made it through more snow back to the office. I worked in my car in the parking lot for an hour before my appointment, then stayed late tonight getting ready for tomorrow's staff meeting. The demands right now are overwhelming, punctuated by 2 more surprise projects with tight deadlines which just kind of got to me. Things are out of control, and demands come from all directions...there are just a bunch of different departments which we support and no 'central command and control' to prioritize and figure out alternate ways/shortcuts/acceptable compromises on how to get this stuff done. It's my job, I guess but it seems like someone in management ought to have a freaking clue if we are going to do an aquisition that it might take more than 45 days to implement it. Usually I'm in the due diligence phase and have 6 months' notice - this one, I guess no one thought to bring me in the loop. Sigh.
However, I'm having a GOOD day, because I am starting to feel better finally, energy improvement (real? Wellbutrin yesterday?) I'm at the point again where it is not hurting that much when I think about Jason and finally listened to his songs last night and filed them away). I smiled a little bit about how Endings Make Room for New Beginnings...and know that I'm moving just a smidget in the right direction of freeing myself from this morass of emotion...
Calories today: Brekkie: Starbucks spinach/feta wrap 1/2 (110) coffee (0). Lunch: Veggie burger pattie on bun with light mayo (250); dinner ham (60) + cheddar (150) + tortilla (120). Only 690 so far, but I may have a bit of a snack yet.
Oh, and I REALLY tried to sleep in the bed last night but even with a full Xanax I couldn't fall asleep. Eventually I went back on the couch and read a little of Infinite Jest and took another whole Xanax. That's really a LOT of Xanax for me considering I usually only take 1/2 a tab...but it did work, and I did get some rest. I'm planning to take some tonight again...want to keep SLEEPING and keep FEELING BETTER!
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 12 January 2011 02:14 am |
|
I just found this in my itunes from the music Toolboy gave me for XMas. I picked it out based on the name, then looked up the lyrics and it resonated. Maybe some day I'll have let go of Jason far enough, maybe we'll each be able to say goodbye, and I'll be at a point where I could actually send this song to him...
Finger Eleven - I'll Keep Your Memory Vague
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMOekG7ehc4
this wont break your heart
but i just think it could
cause i haven't tried as hard as i should
to seperate you from everything i do
but i would never wanna come between us two
I'll keep your memory vague
so you wont feel bad about me
i'll say the things that you said
sometimes so it reminds me
i'll keep your memory vague
so you wont feel bad about me
i'll say the things that you said
sometimes so it reminds me
now i'm thinking back
to what i said before
i hope your heart wont have to hurt anymore
cause it's really not that sad
from here
because the moments i can feel you near
they keep you close to me my dear
and if they ever become to clear
I'll keep your memory vague
so you wont feel bad about me
i'll say the things that you said
sometimes so it reminds me
i'll keep your memory vague
so you wont feel bad about me
i'll say the things that you said
sometimes so it reminds me
now you're gone away
don't worry it's okay
that you're gone away
now you're gone away
further then yesterday
but you'll never leave these scenes
my mind replays
I'll keep your memory vague
so you wont feel bad about me
i'll say the things that you said
sometimes so it reminds me
i'll keep your memory vague
so you wont feel bad about me
i'll say the things that you said
sometimes so it reminds me
I'll keep your memory vague
so you wont feel bad about me
where in the world have you gone now?
i'll say the things that you said
sometimes so it reminds me
where in the world have you gone now?
i'll keep your memory vague
so you wont feel bad about me
where in the world have you gone now?
i'll say the things that you said
sometimes so it reminds me
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 12 January 2011 03:18 am |
|
Wow, what a pleasant, enjoyable song. I'll send it to my daughter. I bet she likes it.
This development with Pitch is certainly interesting.
Nir, that was so funny :)Last edited on 12 January 2011 02:36 pm by jackbenimble
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 13 January 2011 01:48 am |
|
Jack, I'm glad you liked it.
Flying Fingers and Thoughts
Wow. Life is spinning a billion miles an hour. Work is frantic. I'm trying hard to keep my hiring for the UK and US-based positions on track, yet having scheduling issues with interviews in Chicago and London while also trying to go on vaction next week and finish getting well. Add in all the other deliverables at work and...I'm stressed to the max. To the point my mind is disassociating with my body.
Adding to the mix, the personal commitments and obligations right now and somehow when the emotions from work stress stir up, there's an intensity/urgency there about guys which might not need to be there...and threatens poor quality interactions. Last night and today, wanting to touch base with Jason...trying to check daily on Pitch...keep in touch with girlfriends...Toolboy and his job search. Yesterday the dentist and a late day at the office. Tonight was the evening of dinner at L's and visiting M-Dog. I had to stop by Best Buy and get a webcam to do interviews remotely and have it installed tomorrow. Tomorrow night dinner with coach Steve. Friday night, date night with Toolboy. Saturday AM Pitch's Mom's funeral in the hometown, then promised to stop and visit with EF, then home for laundry/packing to fly to Arizona Sunday morning.
Spewing all that out didn't help, and certainly emotionally there have been things I'd like to stop and visit and document. Like certain comforts and reminders of tonight which were overall bittersweet...and marred at the goodbye by L's offhand comment about trying to 'cop a feel'. Reminding me that perhaps his thoughts and feelings require more attention and going there, while nice and good for me, wasn't right for him. More more more woven in, but I just mostly needed a place to spew my anxiety and some diary notes and now I'll go take my Xanax and try to go to sleep.
Oh, and I ate ridiculous amounts of chicken and broccoli/spaghetti (butter + cheese) pasta. Not even going there right now.
At least my health is still improving and I got through the day without being exhausted. Just tired. :) And coughing is pretty sporadic now.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 13 January 2011 03:34 am |
|
The Straw That Caused the Camel's Breakup?
About 30 minutes ago I went into my Netflix account to look for something light to doze off to. I saw a buttload of activity in my account the past couple of days. Now, Netflix is pretty unusual in that it stays logged in even if you use it from multiple machines, and so Toolboy has had access for a few weeks and occasionally watched things. But - 7 hours on Monday and 8 hours on Tuesday? When he (finally) had job interviews Tuesday and just got done an hour ago saying he hadn't yet sent out his thank you notes 36 hours later, even though we'd talked yesterday - to some extent - about what to say, who to send them to, etc?
I changed the password on the account and sent a short email expressing disbelief, and disappointment.
I'm not his mommy.
I'm thinking it's a clear sign he is a chronic underachiever.
I've invested quite a bit of my own time and energy into giving him advice, feedback, ideas. He doesn't need to take them all. But...when everything good in life that you want hinges on getting a good job, and you can't barely make your rent, use your freaking brain and get your priorities straight.
Am I overreacting?
Maybe its a sign of (his) depression.
But, thinking, maybe I just need to tell him to call me when/if he gets his life together. This would also clear the way for me to focus on and/or see what develops (or not) with Pitch.
Last edited on 13 January 2011 03:45 am by mollymoo24
|
jackbenimble
Distinguished Member
|
Posted: 13 January 2011 06:43 am |
|
Mmmm....doesn't sound so good. I'd wait for an explanation. But let's face it, if he weren't an under-achiever, he'd be in a better situation right now Maybe he was relieved the interview thing was over and letting off some stress.
Basically, you can't change people. If he's into guitar and flicks and videos and anime, that's not going to change.
I've never sent out thank you notes for job interviews. I don't think they impact the decision. Do you?
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 13 January 2011 10:20 am |
|
jackbenimble wrote: Mmmm....doesn't sound so good. I'd wait for an explanation. But let's face it, if he weren't an under-achiever, he'd be in a better situation right now Maybe he was relieved the interview thing was over and letting off some stress.
Basically, you can't change people. If he's into guitar and flicks and videos and anime, that's not going to change.
Thanks. I needed some perspective. I was further thinking about other things which have bothered me from the beginning...simple things like not caring to correct typos on his networking site profile even after I mentioned that I thought it didn't make a great impression - he made sure it was not publicly viewable and then left it. He did go clean up myspace and all that. He seems to do what is necessary in some areas, but if it is not something he really WANTS to do, then he only does what is minimally necessary. There's no pride of personal accomplishment...except anime, movies, guitar...he could do all day long...and that's how he rolls. I guess I envy that and despise it at the same time because it is SO like L...but at the end of the day it is not a sign of a person who's strongly self-directed or willing to make strong personal sacrifices to meet goals and objectives...and I promised myself that my future mate would be someone 'capable' of taking care of me...I think Toolboy "could" in theory but by nature, maybe isn't as smart/savvy/motivated as I give him credit for. I do have a tendency to "idealize" the other person...
...I also have a tendency to overreact or see things more extreme than they really are.
I received no response to my terse little nub of an email, so if he received it, he's waiting til he talks to me live. Probably his best possible strategy.
It's probably good if I take some time to cool off too. Just in case I'm making a mistake. But I kind of suspect this is just a catalyst for a lot of things which have bugged me over time.
jackbenimble wrote:
I've never sent out thank you notes for job interviews. I don't think they impact the decision. Do you?
I can only tell you how I think about them. They don't affect a hire/don't hire decision about a person. I think they help distinguish someone in a situation where there are multiple qualified candidates. "Generic" notes are polite but the person doesn't make an impresson. Therefore if you're not going to put effort into it, it won't buy you anything. But someone who promptly sends a well-written note, customized to your conversation sends a signal on a few things
- they're taking the opportunity seriously, and investing the time is important to them
- they're professional and know how to follow up
- they listened and incorporated some aspects of our conversation (i.e. fine-tune the message why they are right for the job)
- they know how to communicate effectively in business correspondence (because they have fine-tuned the thrust of the letter based on your conversation) [NOTE-this is very important in my field of work]
- if they interviewed with multiple people, they should customize and send a letter to each one
A poorly written thank you note - one with obvious grammatical errors, typos, or not expressed clearly, will disqualify someone from my line of work. Period. It is disappointing but it is a good example of how they will perform on the job. We have bounced candidates for this reason more than once.
Other follow up can help too. Like the girl from Indiana who left me a checking-in voice mail on Monday. [Its been 4 weeks since our phone interview - I-Mol- got sick, and the holidays, blah blah blah.] She had no clue what was going on but left me a perfectly polished, well planned voice message about the busyness of the holidays, expressing strong interest, etc. Follow up and professional phone/business communication with a clear, crisp message are also important to someone successful in this role. I had walked away from our telephone interview with some reservations but thinking I'd probably like to have her come in (but she's 200 miles away). Since I wasn't super keen on her and with the passage of time my thoughts have moved on to other candidates which I have in HR screening mode. She may have bought herself another chance to come in for an in-person interview depending on the couple I'm talking to in the next few days.
So I guess follow-up can cut both ways. If you are a strong and professional communicator I think it helps distinguish you and keep your name in front when there are multiple good candidates. Competent and confident, but respectful and not pushy. The process takes time. If you are not a great communicator, well, you may hurt yourself unknowingly. Play to your strengths.
|
mollymoo24
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 30 December 2007 |
| Location: | Chicago, USA |
| Posts: | 6271 |
|
Posted: 13 January 2011 11:45 pm |
|
The Teeny Tiny Circle of Trust
I'm home in between work and dinner with coach Steve. It was another frenetic work day but on the bright side, I phone interviewed someone I think would be good for the opening in the US...another phone interview with the other promising candidate tomorrow afternoon...webcam interview with the UK interview 1st thing in the morning...lots of other crud going on in between...today a product recall was added but a low volume product and I think the related work won't be too bad.
A bit of a sad moment...Pitch reached out to me via phone after texting that he'd had a bad night yesterday and a bad day today. It resonated when I talked about how moms are so special, how I felt like as long as my mom was alive, even when she was sick, that regardless of whatever happened to me in this life, I'd be OK. She'd always be there, and she'd always take care of me...it was unconditional. And when she died, it was this huge loss because it was gone...suddenly that 'security blanket' is gone. And he said 'yeah, that's exactly it'. He spoke of how it doesn't seem final yet and how Saturday when the services etc are performed that will really be the beginning of the end (internment isn't til Tues, but this will be the goodbye). I told him about how when I got the phone call, I was at work, and I headed straight to my Dad's house and didn't leave for a week. Even after the funeral. At the time I thought I was being there for my Dad, but later it became clear that another motive together was also at play...I didn't want to let go. Once I left my Dad's house and headed back home to the city, it was final. Then for the next couple of weeks, I'd just suddenly burst into tears in the supermarket or at work or whatever...but eventually, time heals.
I also talked about how after mom passed it brought my Dad, brother, and me closer together - it can change things, help you appreciate who you have left in your life...but it maybe wasn't the right time to bring it up... there's a split among siblings and his one brother and sister are off in left field, and he and his youngest sister are close. "We'll see" was his skeptical response and we let it drop.
Anyway, he is playing guitar - and singing - Saturday. I didn't know it at the time, but a beautiful song he posted on the networking site and also played here Saturday night is the one - I guess it correctly. I'll have to come back later and post the link. It's going to be a terribly powerful, terribly emotional, terribly raw moment. Beautiful and dreadful. The thought is enough to make my heart ache.
I feel terrible that I'm tied up and can't meet him tonight...he's so low, and he spoke of heading to a nearby restaurant (by him) to have dinner and 'a beer'...he's a regular so the surroundings will be familiar, but I just wish I could be there...an ear...it's so much harder on the phone...and I hardly know what to say...for multiple reasons.
Not much I can do about it, but it just would have been an important, meaningful time. I'm glad in any event that his 'good' sister and family arrive from Texas tomorrow and will be staying with him. He needs someone to be with.
I'm cautious about him reaching for me right now but also encouraging it...if we can continue to separate out the friendship (what is needed now, in the immediate term), with what might be (potentially in the future, if we both want to pursue it) then it will be good, and I will feel good about being there for him. He's a special person to me, and an enigma to most, and few people 'get him' like I do. Kinda like being in a very teeny tiny "circle of trust" with someone pretty spectacular.
***ETA Here's the link: Greg Allman - Will the Circle Be Unbroken ****** 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OwSag4s-QU
Last edited on 14 January 2011 03:17 am by mollymoo24
|
Current time is 09:46 pm | Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 ...   |
|
|
|
