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alcestis
New Member
| Joined: | 21 November 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 9 |
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Posted: 29 June 2009 11:41 pm |
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she wakes up in the morning with monday-itus. except it's not just that, if that at all. it's the hang over from the pack of pitta bread and whole apple pie that she convinced herself that she'd be fine having at 2am. how is it that a highly functioning elite graduate cannot get it together to master the basic skills of eating and sleeping healthily - the ones a 2 year old is spot on with.
she can't see any hope, any way of sustaining, nourishing, energising her self, her body, through the day apart from the empty promise - a relic of heavily bulimic days - that she won't have to eat. She concocts detailed plans during the quiet moments at work. How she'll 'eat less' (this used to be code for eating nothing. nowadays it really does mean eat less. perhaps a 500 kcal intake, not a 5000) for two weeks, go on massive colonic treatment for the 3rd week and blah blah. there were more plans.
but it's 3pm and she's already caved in to her cut up orange pepper. it's 5pm and she's going home. and she scratched herself with a paper clip. how angsty of her. the last time she tried to hurt herself was when she was recovering from bulimia and sitting finals. no excuses now. she's just a glutton. she reminds herself that she's just engaging in self pity. she might as well be wearing gothic emo-wear. ugh. that's so far from her.
it's 5pm and she's out of school straight to tescos. shop there. straight to home via another shop. buy things there. polite and friendly conversation to those she meets. she's not in a haze. she's pretending that she'll make cookies for the visitors coming over. oh yes, for them. uhuh.
6pm. 2 sandwiches, 200g of chocolate and plate of cookies later and she's not particularly surprised. it was going to happen. self justified hatred.
but the thing is, she feels like she did this morning, without the hope.
why does she want to do this to herself? why does she agree to walk around with a stomach bulging forth? that her clothes won't fit and the scales tip 12 stone or 13 stone depending on where she puts the starting needle.
she wishes she could talk to someone fully. but she hates being such a wimp. but what's more wimpish - walking up the stairs at work gasping bc she's out of breath, knees groaning, heart pounding and shoes creaking... or admjtting honestly, that yes, she has a problem.
but. but.. but..
no buts.
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REDQUEEN
New Member
| Joined: | 19 December 2005 |
| Location: | Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 59 |
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Posted: 30 June 2009 06:29 pm |
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Wow, what a powerful post. I can totally identify with you. If I had a penny for every early morning regrouping and recovery plan I had ever planned out, I would be a millionaire!
I know how you feel, please keep me posted, I have some writings myself. . .maybe we can share.
Take care my new friend.
REDQUEEN
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irene983
New Member
| Joined: | 14 July 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 4 |
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Posted: 14 July 2009 06:12 pm |
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I also can identify with your story, it is hard but we have to try to change.
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Past Member
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Posted: 13 August 2009 04:35 am |
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| im in recovery from COE if you need anyone to chat with who can relate feel free to message me.
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REDQUEEN
New Member
| Joined: | 19 December 2005 |
| Location: | Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 59 |
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Posted: 13 August 2009 12:15 pm |
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StVincent,
Hang in there! I can imagine what you are going through. . . at least you have taken the first few steps!
I would love to hear your story.
Take care my friend,
REDQUEEN
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Past Member
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Posted: 14 August 2009 03:12 am |
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REDQUEEN wrote: StVincent,
Hang in there! I can imagine what you are going through. . . at least you have taken the first few steps!
I would love to hear your story.
Take care my friend,
REDQUEEN
i started a diary on here to explain more about me. 
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calotrenpamela
New Member
| Joined: | 23 July 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
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Posted: 14 August 2009 06:34 am |
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I know its difficult. Every time I eat something with a high calorie value, I convince myself that I will not do so from tomorrow but that day never comes. I keep eating and thinking that I need to eat for today and I will not do so from tomorrow.
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Past Member
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Posted: 17 August 2009 06:11 am |
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calotrenpamela wrote: I know its difficult. Every time I eat something with a high calorie value, I convince myself that I will not do so from tomorrow but that day never comes. I keep eating and thinking that I need to eat for today and I will not do so from tomorrow.
yes i feel the same as well. i tell myself i can start fresh the next day but i know it doesnt change.
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alcestis
New Member
| Joined: | 21 November 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 9 |
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Posted: 31 August 2009 11:34 pm |
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| thanks. i eat myself into oblivion normally. blessed and priceless is the day/night i don't. being on holiday helps so much more though. wow - it's a real aid. the stress of work and teaching really pushes me to binge.
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blondie30
New Member
| Joined: | 31 August 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: 1 September 2009 12:05 am |
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| Hi i have just found your posting. I can relate to this but probably more. I am obsessed with food and being sick, then it starts all over again. Sounds discusting but .......it is, and it is my life. been bulimic since I was 16 now 31. . Have just heard about HGC injections, am going to try this. Have you done this.
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REDQUEEN
New Member
| Joined: | 19 December 2005 |
| Location: | Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 59 |
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Posted: 1 September 2009 12:18 pm |
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Hi Alcestis and Blondie,
I have never heard about the HCG injections that you speak of. Can you please explain this to me?
I am struggling with all this myself, in fact this morning I feel like I have been sucker punched from my bad behavior last night. I was just thinking on my way into work of what trigger that started the binge/purge last night. . . it was stress for sure.
Hopefully, we can help each other along the road to recovery!
Your New Friend,
REDQUEEN
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katelyn
New Member
| Joined: | 8 September 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 13 |
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Posted: 11 September 2009 01:49 am |
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WOW, nice journal.
Hang in there. You will make it.
If you need a weight loss buddies, pm me. Will be there to assist.
Thank you.
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alcestis
New Member
| Joined: | 21 November 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 9 |
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Posted: 11 September 2009 05:18 pm |
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it's 2.30pm, she's home from work and very tired. hands trembling she reminds herself that strawberries are all that's needed to reduce the shaking. really she should go to bed and sleep off the edge, but there's a day to be lived and she has to go and buy food for the party she's hosting the next day. she makes her way up the street gliding on unseen air. she wants to raise her hands above her head and float away.
someone phones, his misplaced word, her tears after. unusual for her. the normal friday meltdown starts. end of the week, end of her tether.
before she knows it, she's mindlessly walked back and forth from the kitchen enough times to empty two boxes of oat biscuits [or whatever it is, depending on the week].
before she knows it, the food she buys for the party has already been opened and she doesn't actually know what she's putting in her mouth, but her jaw is busy and therefore she is in action - the day is not being lost!
at first she'd thought that having some food would lassoo her to the ground, stop her floating through the ether, evanescing into a puddle of black oil. the sheer weight of the food would act as an anchor roped to her stomach, a plumb line to the ground. her centre of gravity would be reasserted.
and it was. for all of 5 chews. and then her mind was lobotomised. having 300g of caramalised popcorn wasn't an act of kindness to herself. or anyone else for that matter; they have to look at her. she'd purge but she knows she wouldn't be that successful and there's that pain she gets in her insides for a day or so afterwards.
it's time for a nap, but this time she's going into the sheets a dirtier, polluted woman, with the edge and prickle of static heat from the thousands of calories. as she furiously tries to push the stain of it from her mind, she thinks of the meal she is obliged to attend tonight and the gathering she purchased all the food for. she's a food addict - i mean, we all have our achilles' heel, right? why did she offer to do this and have all this food around? no one asked it of her. just like noone asked her to respond to life through a carbohydrate haze.
sleep time.
Last edited on 11 September 2009 05:20 pm by alcestis
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sunnygirl2291
New Member
| Joined: | 12 September 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 8 |
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Posted: 13 September 2009 04:03 am |
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Hi everyone,
This is my first post. I have struggled with an eating disorder for a very long time. I hate it with a passion. Sometimes I will eat thousands and thousands of calories just to make myself sick. The food doesnt even taste good. It is just pain. When I read ur post, I feel ur pain. I understand what u are going through. Its weird because I write about it alot, but its weird now writing it for others to see. Because it is such a private shameful thing. I feel that by talking about it and blogging might help.
Today- a painfully numb day- (sry for the writing in 3rd person- i have trouble still saying I)
She takes a shower- starts off her day good. then she doesnt know what happens. Shes got so much going for her- so much to do. Shes a premed student with top grades, leadership positions, research, and physician shadowing. Theres so much to do. She feels pressure. Shes trying so hard to be heathier each day. Running, tennis is her passion. She lives for it. But on this saturday, she is lost. She is alone. Consumes herself, looses herself to an obnoxious evil. Eating enormous amounts of food until she can't breathe and she feels uterly nauseous. She is numb and all too familar with this evil. She can't focus on ANYTHING now. Everything is out of control- even though she felt she had so little control over her life before. Now, though, it is just plain chaos. She is sad, feeling helpless. just watching the time go by, so that she can move on and get better. She wonders how she can loose control? How this can happen?? How can she make it better? She feels so weak. So alone. So very alone and scared. And pathetic. She hates this. Hates this thing, where she kills herself with food. The food- really what is it? So its a piece of cake- a bowl of cereal- that palliates her anxiety- silences it- like a drug, only to double those feelings when the high comes off. She wants it to stop. She wants to have control of her life, her body.
It is getting better. Freshman year, she truly killed herself everyday- day after day- all day. there was nothing in her life except food. How she made straight A's is beyond me. But now, she is helping herself get better. She hates this vicious cycle of binging and starving with the occasional purge, and each day she helps herself get healthier and get better. It is hard. It is a challenge to say the least. But one day at a time. And she certainly has her goals.
For all the bloggers out there that are struggling with something like this, I pray for you. I believe that you can do anything you want to do. I truly believe that. If you don't like killing yourself- to the pit of your core- to the point where you want to cry, but you can't- if you hate what you see when you look in the mirror- hate how you are consuming urself with food that is just leaves you with empitness, you CAN CHANGE. YOU ARE STRONG.
Help yourself get better each day. Some of my tips that may help you:
1. Its simple, eat 3 lite and healthy meals each day plus a snack
2. Exercise each day (depending on ur fitness level) i ran and played tennis my whole life, so this is something I love and try to do everyday
3. Only keep a few things in ur kitchen- healthy things! for me, that means i can't have any granola, yogurt, oatmeal, or milk cuz its a trigger for me. as hard is it is not to have it, it is SOO worth it.
4. Stay out of ur house.
GOOD luck to all of u, and may god be with us. Be who you want to be. You only live once.
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Beatlesgirl
New Member
| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 85 |
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Posted: 23 September 2009 12:33 pm |
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okay, i don´t know why I read these comments, they bring me to tears, I´m about to cry in my herbal tea. But I do know why I read them, because they comfort me, I like to know that there are others out there with problems it´s not just me. I hate making love with my boyfriend because when I look down all I can see is my belly, big and bloated wobbling about, and he can see it too, and it doesn´t make me feel sexy, it makes me feel like a fat cow, i hate it, so why am I still thinking about food???
I don´t have bulimia, because I can´t make myself sick, it scares me, and I have thought about starving myself but I can´t do it, yesterday I tried to skip dinner, by tea time my belly was hurting and I started feeling sick, I got big pains in my belly and I felt faint, it´s so pathetic. My head hurt and all i could think about was food. Even though I had a healthy tea straight after it I started thinking about chocolate, icecream...and eventually I went and ate an icecream.
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 October 2009 07:23 pm |
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WOW POWERFUL STORIES! THANKS TO ALL FOR SHARING SUCH PRIVATE FEELINGS.
LETS ADD TO THIS WITH SOME OF MY LIFE SHALL WE? IMAGINE FEELING THE THINGS WE DO IN THESE POSTS WHILE HAVING A LOVING, TENDER, TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU HUSBAND WHO FEELS THAT YOU DONT NEED TO BE DIETING AT ALL BECAUSE YOU ARENT FAT, UGLY, OUT OF SHAPE, ETC.
EVERYTIME YOU HAVE A WEAK MOMENT, OR YOU ARE STRAINED OVER SOMETHING YOU CANT CONTROL, YOU EAT 6 OREOS AND NOT JUST THE ONE YOU PROMISED YOURSELF, YOU HIDE IN THE KITCHEN INSTEAD OF SITTING DOWN AND ENJOYING THEM. YOU PRACTICALLY SUCK THEM DOWN, BARELY ALLOWING YOURSELF TO CHEW EACH BITE....HECK, A BITE FOR ME IS THE WHOLE COOKIE.
OR ANOTHER MOMENT IS THIS: ITS JUST AFTER DINNER, BETWEEN 7-9PM AND YOU ARE RELAXING ENJOYING SOME TV, YOU ATE GOOD ALL DAY, MADE A HEALTHY DINNER AND ITS TIME FOR NITE SNACK. INSTEAD OF ENJOYING SOMETHING HEALTHY LIKE AN APPLE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE POPCORN...{.AND WHILE ITS POPPING YOU GO FOR MORE COOKIES (IN SECRET IN THE DARK KITCHEN, AS IF HE CANT HEAR THE BAG BEING OPENED), THEN GO THE LAUNDRY ROOM {WHERE YOU TELL YOURSELF THE CANDY FOR HIS LUNCH WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND} AND SCARF DOWN A FUN SIZE BABY RUTH BEFORE YOU EVEN GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN TO HAVE THE ORIGINAL SNACK PLAN WHICH WAS THE POPCORN THAT HASNT EVEN FINISHED POPPING....ALL THOSE USELESS CALORIES CONSUMED IN SECRET, IN LESS THAN THE 3MIN IT TAKES TO MAKE A BAG OF POPCORN.
AND THAT ISN'T THE HALF OF IT. THEN THERE MAY BE THE SUGAR FREE COCOA THAT YOU HAVE TO MEASURE BY THE SPOON (BIG MISTAKE TO BUY THE BUCKET AND NOT PACKETS)....WITH A DOLLOP OF WHIP CREAM (2 TBSP IS 25CAL.).....A NICE SWEET TREAT THAT IS CAPABLE OF BEING LESS THAN 125 CALORIES.....BUT AS THE WATER IS BOILING YOU STAND AT THE STOVE SCOOPING THE WHIP CREAM OUT OF THE BUCKET THEREBY CONSUMING ANOTHER 50-100 CALORIES WITHOUT TRYING.
THEN THERE ARE THE DAYS THAT YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU WILL DO A LIGHT DAY, MAYBE USE DRINK SUPPLEMENTS INSTEAD OF EATING, YOUR IDEA OF A LIQUID FAST....ONLY TO HIT MID AFTERNOON AND DECIDE YOU MUST EAT (HEADACHE HAS SET IN, OR YOU GET SOME NEWS THAT BOTHERS YOU, DOESNT TAKE MUCH TO SET IT OFF)....SO YOU GRAB CEREAL AND DUMP OUT 3 CUPS, WITH MAYBE A CUP OF 2% MILK AND EAT IT IN A FRENZY OF HUNGER, THEN AFTER THAT ITS A "LEFTOVERS" BINGE OR MAYBE CRACKERS OR WORSE SOMETHING THAT I DONT EVEN ENJOY LIKE MUFFINS THAT I BAKE FOR MY HUBBY OR CHIPS THAT I REALLY JUST DONT CARE FOR....THE IDEA BEING THAT I JUST HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO FILL SOME CRAVING THAT I CAN IDENTIFY. ALL OF THIS JUST BEFORE DINNER, WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD FOR ME, HAD I NOT JUST EATEN ALL THOSE USELESS UNEEDED CALORIES JUST NOW....
THESE ARE ALL DIFFERENT MOMENTS IN MY LIFE. I HAVE GRADUATED FROM TRIPS TO THE FAST FOOD JOINTS THANKFULLY. I USED TO WORK ALOT AND FAILED TO EAT RIGHT, AND SOME DAYS I WOULD STOP AT MCD'S, THEN OFF TO TACO BELL, THEN MAYBE PIZZA HUT...GRAB N GO AND THEN PICK AND CHOOSE WHAT I NEEDED OUT OF ALL THE CHOICES I MADE. at least i DONT do that anymore....
NOW, I AM AN AT HOME MOM. I LOVE IT. I AM RARELY BORED OR WITHOUT THINGS TO DO BUT I GET EMOTIONAL EASILY, I TAKE TOO MUCH ON INTERNALLY AND TRY TO MAKE ALL THOSE AROUND ME HAPPY; THEREBY STEALING MY OWN HAPPINESS BY STRESSING WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THEM, PUTTING IT ON MY SHOULDERS AND MAKING IT MY RESPONSIBILTY TO FIX...WHICH OFTEN IS NOT REALLY IN MY CONTROL.....AND THIS CAUSES ME TO EAT.....EAT....EAT.....EAT....
SOME DAYS ARE WONDERFULLY PERFECT.....BUT OTHER DAYS REALLY TAKE ME AND BEAT ME DOWN. I HAVE GROWN ALOT SINCE LAST NOVEMBER, AND EVERYONE AROUND ME SEES ME AS "THIN"..... BETTER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN...WHICH IS TRUE!
MY TROUBLE IS WHEN I TRY TO SHARE THESE EMOTIONS I SHARE TODAY, I FEEL VERY ALONE BECAUSE NO ONE THINKS I NEED TO HIDE WHEN OR WHAT I EAT....BECAUSE IDEALLY, LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE DONE! I AM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, HOW CAN I STILL HAVE THESE FOOD ISSUES AND LOSE WEIGHT LIKE I HAVE?? I STILL DONT HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THEM, OR FOR ME....UNWILLINGNESS TO QUIT AND POSSIBLLY OBSESSION?
I PRAY I WILL FIGURE IT OUT! :) THANKS FOR LISTENING.. :) IT FEELS GREAT TO SHARE MY INNERMOST ANGERS ABOUT THE TERRIBLE THINGS I DO TO MYSELF....MAYBE IT WILL MAKE ME STRONGER.. :)
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REDQUEEN
New Member
| Joined: | 19 December 2005 |
| Location: | Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 59 |
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Posted: 7 October 2009 07:33 pm |
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Wow! I know exactly how you feel, heck I could have written it word for word. I have the same problem. . . do very well all day, but do the binge/purge at night. It is emotional with me. Lonely feelings, bored feelings, or maybe a feeling that "nice girls" shouldn't feel. . . instead of feeling the feelings, and dealing with them. . . I end up eating so I distract myself from having to deal with any unpleasant emotional junk. How sick is that?
Thank you for sharing your most private thoughts. I truly believe that it helps each of us to know that we are not alone.
REDQUEEN
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 October 2009 08:04 pm |
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thank you redqueen...here is to a strong day for all of us!!!
amen. :)
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Beatlesgirl
New Member
| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 85 |
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Posted: 8 October 2009 03:08 pm |
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I totally undertand what you are all going through because I´m the same- but my boyfriend doesn´t see me as a thin girl, he always jokes about my extra wide hips and big bum, he said I need two hands to grab one cheek of your butt and my previous girlfriends´ whole bum only needed one hand. That makes me feel sick....
When we finish out evening meal I go to wash the dishes but once I enter the kitchen I eat whatever is in site, his mum always buys choccies so there I go, munching them down, and then I eat the left over chips that he didnt finish instead or throwing them away, then I grab something to eat only to feel empty again, and hungry....
Even if i am munching away a yogourt, an orange, a bit of cheese or cereal I am still thinking about chocolate, ice cream.... mcflurry!!!!!! Yesterday I made my bf take me to mc donalds at 11 o clock at night, I ate the whole thing so quickly and I felt like a junkie that needed her fix, my fix of icecream....its so pathetic...
If I could just control the eating I might lose a bit of weight, during the day I try to eat healthy and I ate a lot of weetabix (fiber is supposed to be good for weight loss) but then when the night comes I just purge....
sometimes I do it in front of my bf and other times I do it hidden away in the kitchen. I wish there was some magical pill that would take my appetite away, but the doctors wont prescribe me anything, they same I´m at a healthy weight..... what the #%@&! do they know? I dont want to be at a healthy weight, I want to be thin, not stick thin but I want to be able to jump without all the flab moving.....yuch!
A horrible thing is the pain I get in my belly when I get those craving late at night, It actually really really hurts me, I asked the doctor and she said when you get these pains you musn´t eat, you should eat maybe a yogourt or something very small and she said to eat slowly............yeah......slowly......easy for her to say
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Sylphide
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 1 August 2006 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 242 |
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Posted: 8 October 2009 03:15 pm |
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Dr Oz just had a guest "Lisa" who was a secret binge eater. Every word this beautiful (though obese) woman said, spoke to me.
Lisa was told to eat a few of her binge foods every evening as a snack to get past the feeling that this was her last chance at cake or cookies or whatever.. Dr Oz believes that by teaching ourselves that we can stop at just one normal portion, we will gain a feeling of control over these foods. I believe him in theory, but like Lisa, I actually started to cry at the thought of being home alone with food and stopping at one small serving.
There is a saying: What we cannot moderate we must eliminate.
I think that applies to me. I can give up sweets entirely and stay off for literally years, but if I decide to give myself a day off, like I did last Easter, that "day" lasts and lasts. I'm still binging nightly and I've gained about 40 pounds. I never purge, I just binge.
Dr Oz also suggested we write down what we're feeling when we binge. I know what I'm feeling -- anger.
I appreciate the honesty on this thread so much. May we all keep checking in to encourage each other.
Last edited on 10 October 2009 06:30 pm by Sylphide
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 October 2009 06:20 pm |
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hello ladies...:) i really enjoy and feel so much better reading other comments about your situations at home, either alone or with partners. i am happy to report that yesterday i had a successful no binge day. i made it thru the entire day without any snacking, i worked out, i had a healthy lunch and had a wonderful healthy dinner followed by a measured cup of cocoa, and a half cup of trail mix that was cashews, almonds, pineapple, banana and a few raisins and peanuts. i dont care for peanuts and raisins too much because of the super sweet and super salty....so those went to the dogs who loved them. :)
today i do have a horrible headache, but i have been outside mowing lawns and getting plenty of exercise. i havent had anything except beef jerky with red chile on it (its homemade from a friend of ours, its very lean and very hot!!!!) a piece of meunster cheese, a cup of coffee and my supplement drink that tastes like fruit punch and has only 7 calories. I was also down a pd today which really feels good because i know how hard i worked yesterday to be a good girl.
oh the cookies, the toast, the popcorn etc...its all there in my head, only i am forcing it away because its all carbs and its deadly for me. if i have to have it i am going to make my best effort to have it during the day when i am more likely to burn it off.
we can do this girls. you all know we can do it. beatles...your bf is a butt for telling you his ex has a smaller arse...that is totally uncool. i really am blessed that i have a husband who feels the world begins and ends in my beauty (even if i am doubtful of my own real beauty from within)...i pray that all of you find one like mine....because there is nothing else nicer than hearing how beautiful you are, even on your fat days when you cant eat anything right. i believe it can happen for all of us, when we least expect it because it has happened to me....it just took too many frogs to find my king.....the ones before him all talked down to me about my body, my arms, my middle etcetcetc.....broke my spirit and drove me to eat and eat and eat....then cry and doubt myself and them...and the viscious cycle just keeps going.
At least now if i do binge i know its all because of my own hangups, my own horrible cravings, my own self induced stress etc....not because of my partner. THANK GOD.
Be strong!!!! You are here because you want to change.....you can do it, one day at a time...i just did one day....now if i can just do two! then 3 then 4..... :)
i cant cave!!!!
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REDQUEEN
New Member
| Joined: | 19 December 2005 |
| Location: | Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 59 |
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Posted: 8 October 2009 06:30 pm |
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Hi everyone,
I totally agree with BJD; I am so glad that we are here together. I wish that I could report that I did well last night, but I failed. On the bright side, I didn't fail as much as usual!
It really helps me to be stronger because I think of you all going through the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions as me. I have got to think of something distracting so I can avoid the binge/purge. I really think that part of my problem is habit, do any of you get that feeling?
Do you guys have any suggestions that we might try to get through one evening and night without messing up? Maybe we can help each other. How did you do it BJD?
Your friend,
REDQUEEN
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 8 October 2009 07:40 pm |
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hey redqueen....hmmm, how did i do it? well, i wasnt down and out or stressed about anything. i made myself orange roughy with green beans and an orange for dinner (with a mt dew even because i had been so light thru the day) and since it was early i decided to have my cocoa at around 730. We were watching Modern Family and it was cracking us up something terrible...we went back and watched the son in law get slapped by the plane like 4 times and were crying with laughter...sick, i know..but you had to see it.
dont get me wrong guys, i thought about those cookies but i said to D outloud that i wasnt going to have any cookies tonite...that i wasnt going to snack tonite...and to keep me in check....
i drank my cocoa slowly. i did have dessert, i made us homemade flan, that is like a mexican custard with a caramel sauce on the bottom on the dish. i put nutmeg in it and a little bit of honey because the caramel is scarce! i made 4 bowls, 1 cup each. I had mine slowly, just after dinner. after that i had my cocoa! i am jumping around, sorry! :) i did get a munchy moment, stared into the cabinet and fridge and argued with myself silently and finally had my trail mix, but i poured it into a cup and picked out what i wanted. D did remind me of what i said and i said no cookies! no bad snacks! and he said, ok, as long as i reminded you....lol...
then we got into 16 blocks, a movie with bruce willis and it was so exciting all i could do was drink my gatorade 32oz bottle of water! (i am making myself drink at least 64 oz of water a day.....)it was 1030 when we went to sleep! That is not normal, we are usually in bed or getting ready by 945...so that movie sucked us in.
i dont know what kept me from binging. maybe it was my own head and my willpower to behave, or the healthy lite meal i had, or the fact that i wasnt stressed about anything in particular, that we just relaxed and enjoyed some tv, it could and probably is a little of all the above. I dont want to fail anymore. I dont want to be out of control anymore. I want to have the power to choose to eat, when i am hungry and need something to fill my tummy. I have to think sooo hard truth be told because it is easy to just tell myself i will workout enough to get it burned off...but that was what got my 3 pds back on that i had lost in the last few weeks. I am in the Halloween Challenge and I was at 155 ( my goal for the challenge)...by some miracle and then i got lazy thinking since i was working out so much i could slack and add some foods in....mostly bad carbs...and i shot up to 160 in a week! ITS THAT EASY for ME! I hate it. I dont get it short of having my condition that causes me to put it on so easily and makes it soo hard to lose.
Planning what i am going to eat seems to help some. I selected the lunch well before i was ready to eat it, then got busy and ate later than planned. Planned dinner around 3pm so i knew what we were having. If i think ahead, i seem to do better in the day and as long as things dont go arwy in the evening between me, d and the baby girl then i think i can get thru each day, one day at a time. I just have to make my head be the weak one and my will be the stronger one.
Today is good so far, one step at a time. I need to eat now that i did all that work outside. I did it just in time too, we just had a little rain! :) May it rain the rest of the day!
Just keep talking ladies...that is helping me for sure!!! the more we share the less alone we feel! :)
hugs to everyone!!!!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 October 2009 04:08 pm |
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HEY GUYS, WELL LAST NITE I DIDNT MAKE IT. D CAME HOME, AND WE GOT TO TALKING ABOUT HIS SISTER AND HER HUBBY (THEY ARE GOIN THRU A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW) AND THAT OF COURSE TOOK US TO OUR SITUATION WITH MJ AND HOW SHE AND D ARE HAVING A HARD TIME TOGETHER LEARNING HOW TO RESPECT, LISTEN, LOVE ETC...MJ IS VERY CLOSE TO MY DAD AND SOMETIMES IT HURTS D ALOT WHEN SHE COMES HOME AND ISNT VERY OPEN AND CLOSE WITH HIM FOR A FEW DAYS AFTER...AND SOMETIMES ITS OK AND SOMETIMES IT BOTHERS D IMMENSELY AND I TAKE THE BRUNT...
SO, DIGRESSING BUT NEEDED TO LET YOU KNOW THE BACKGROUND. SO, WE KNOW I AM A STRESS EATER AND WELL, I STARTED TO GET A LITTLE DEFENSIVE BECAUSE D IS STILL BEHAVING A LITTLE CHILDISH IN MY OPINION, BUT I CANT SEEM TO GET THAT OUT WHEN HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HOW HARD HE TRIES AND WHEN SHE ISNT INTERESTED IN A HUG BUT RUNS TO HER ROOM INSTEAD OR THE TV IS MORE IMPORTANT ETC....WELL, I THINK HE NEEDS TO GO WITH HER, SIT DOWN AND SHARE THAT TIME WITH HER, BUT WELL, HE DOESNT THINK SO. SHE IS ONLY 4. ITS NOT SOMETHING I CAN FIX. I HAVE TO LET IT BE. I HAVE TO KEEP HER IN CHECK, AND ALWAYS ITS NOT HAPPY WITH US ALL THE TIME EITHER, I SPENT MY TIME WITH HER DAY IN AND OUT, HE SEES HER AT NITE, THEN ITS BRIEF CUZ ITS DINNER, BATH THEN BED FOR HER...SO THEY DONT HAVE A LOT OF TIME..BUT HE ISNT INTO DOING THAT FOR HER RIGHT NOW...I STILL DONT GET EXACTLY WHY, HE SAIS ITS NOT ABOUT HIS PAST...BUT WHO KNOWS FOR SURE? IN TURN, I CLOSE DOWN TO HIM WHEN THEY ARENT ON GOOD TERMS, I TAKE IT ALL AND INTERNALIZE IT, MAKE MYSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ACTIONS, WHICH I AM NOT..I DONT THINK?!
ANYWAY, LAST NITE, I PANICKED AND GOT DEFENSIVE (KNOWING THAT SATURDAY NITE WILL BE A CHALLENGE BETWEEN THEM SINCE ITS BEEN JUST OVER A WEEK THAT SHE HAS BEEN WITH MY FOLKS AND WE WILL BE BRINGING HER HOME WITH US, THAT WILL BE A SHOW OF TEARS NO DOUBT..WHICH I GET, IT HURTS BUT I GET IT...AND D DOESNT HAVE PATIENCE TO DEAL WITH IT, LORD LET IT GO OK PLEASE!).....AND I WENT RIGHT TO THE COOKIES. I HAD AN OREO, THEN I RAN INTO THE LAUNDRY ROOM AND GRABBED A BABY RUTH, MAYBE EVEN HAD TWO, IT WAS SO FAST I DONT EVEN KNOW FOR SURE.... (THERE IS ONLY ONE LEFT THAT I PUT INTO D'S LUNCH TODAY) AND THEN I MADE MY POPCORN AND THEN WENT FOR ANOTHER CUP OF COCOA....THAT COCOA IS NOW GONE TOO.
SO, IN TOTAL FOR YESTERDAY I HAD:
2 CUPS OF SUGAR FREE COCOA WITH WHIPPING CREAM (1 IN AFTERNOON, 1 AFTER DINNER AROUND 8PM)
2-3 FUN SIZE BABY RUTHS (1 IN AFTERNOON AND 1 (MAYBE 2... AFTER DINNER)
2 OREO COOKIES (1 AFTER DINNER, THEN ANOTHER WHEN MAKING POPCORN AT AROUND 930PM)
3 CUPS OF EXTRA BUTTER POPCORN (930PM)
1 EXTRA TORTILLA WHILE MAKING OUR BREAKFAST BURRITOS FOR DINNER LAST NITE, IN SECRET AND QUICKLY, PRACTICALLY NOT TASTING IT OR WANTING IT, BUT ATE IT ANYWAY.
IN SHORT, WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD DAY FOR ME FOOD WISE WAS SHOT TO ALL HELL BY THAT HEATED DISCUSSION THAT WASNT EVEN REALLY EVER ABOUT US....IT JUST ALWAYS SEEMS TO GRAVITATE TO THE SITUATION BETWEEN HIM AND MJ AND HOW I REACT TO IT..I DONT KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENS EXCEPT THAT I STILL NEED TO JUSTIFY MY DISTANCING WITH HIM AND HE STILL SAIS THERE WILL ALWAYS BE EXCUSES FOR MY DISTANCE..WHETHER ITS TIRED, HEADACHE, MJ, DEPRESSED, ETCETCETC.....
ITS ALWAYS SOMETHING. NO MATTER WHAT, ISSUES OF OUR PAST WILL ALWAYS HAUNT US. I DONT KNOW HOW THEY EVER GO AWAY. ITS A SAD TRUTH THAT I DONT KNOW HOW TO ACCEPT OR GET AROUND OR GET OVER ALOT OF MY PAST PAINS AND OVERJUSTIFYING EVERYTHING..... MY PAST HAUNTS ME WITH FEAR THAT MJ WILL PUSH HIM AWAY AND I WILL SHUT HIM DOWN BECAUSE I DONT FEEL HE HAS ANY LOVE TO GIVE HER AFTER BEING HURT BY PAST MARRIAGES, KIDS ETC AND MY INABILITY TO STOP TAKING EVERYTHING PERSONALLY.
THERE YOU HAVE IT GUYS, ONE GOOD DAY AND WELL, ONE BAD DAY....WHAT WILL TODAY BRING????
SORRY TO GO ON AND ON....I JUST NEED TO SHARE BECAUSE SOME DAYS I FEEL TOTALLY ALONE IN MY FEELINGS. I BURY SOO MUCH PAIN AND WORRY. I HAVE TO GET TO THE STORE FOR A FEW THINGS, AND I PRAY I HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO STICK TO MY LIST AND NOT GET ANYTHING ADDITIONAL OR IT WILL BE ANOTHER TOUGH NITE OF WHERED ALL THE MONEY GO WE JUST GOT PAID TODAY??!
OK, GOTTA RUN, THANKS AGAIN FOR BEING HERE LADIES..ITS GONNA GET ME THRU THE DAY TODAY... 
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Past Member
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Posted: 9 October 2009 04:56 pm |
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Hi Sylphide,
Thank you for the kind words about the Dr. Oz Show. The last 90 days have been like a roller coaster. i can appreciate your comments regarding the advice given to me regarding Binge eating. We all have our trigger points for recovery and mine was my child. I have unconsiously eaten for over thirty years, so this journey has been difficult to start. I was desparate to find help and have someone tell me why I do what I do. Do I recommend National TV for an outlet or resource of help probably not. The aniexty associated with this has been great. But the benefit of regaining control of my life is priceless. After leaving the show, I still struggle with binge eating. However, I have been in therapy with a amazing person Judith Banker (Founder) of the Center for Eating Disorders in Ann Arbor, Michigan. She is has changed my life. She has given me a gift I couldn't imagine of giving myself. She has help me to uncover the emotions involved in my eating disorder that I haven't addressed since a child. Am I cured? No! I will battle with food issues the rest of my life. please feel free to contact me. http://iamabingeeater.blogspot.com
Lisa
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Sylphide
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 1 August 2006 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 242 |
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Posted: 10 October 2009 12:24 am |
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Hi Lisa! How nice of you to log on here to talk to us. I'm really happy for you that you're getting a handle on this problem. If we dig deep enough, I imagine that many of us would find that our binging is an attempt to comfort ourselves over hurts we felt in childhood.
ETA: Lisa, I read your blog and enjoyed all your insight, but I couldn't leave a comment -- Google wouldn't let me. I wrote an entire short book on my google blog and then one day I could never find it again. That's me, internet genius.
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Okay everybody where are you? No running off just because you don't have good news. Maybe if we keep ranting we'll get it all off our chests. I'm still binging but I plan to come here and face myself about it every few days or so, at least for a while.
This morning I weighed 191. I did walk before breakfast. Then I had pancakes.
Last edited on 10 October 2009 06:36 pm by Sylphide
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Past Member
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Posted: 11 October 2009 08:48 am |
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Hi Sylphide,
Thanks for reading my blog. I find blogging is a avenue to vent and reaffirm. Let's stay in contact and support each other on our recovery from this disorder. I look forward to chatting. Feel free to contact me via email Porzadek @ comcast.net
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Sylphide
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 1 August 2006 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 242 |
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Posted: 11 October 2009 09:09 pm |
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Thanks a lot for offering, Lisa, but I can't go th e-mail route -- not enough privacy on this end.
I plan to be around this site more, though. I'm going to get back to my diary on the diary page since there doesn't seem to be as much interest in this thread as I had hoped.
Stop over there anytime, anyone!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 October 2009 05:14 pm |
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i dont know if i really agree with the thought that there isnt very much interest in this thread. i hope that you all realize how difficult it is for MOST to admit they have a real challenging problem with overeating, bingeing, etc. i imagine that alot of folks on this site will read the comments and feel shy or embarrased to admit that they may be like us. I have been on this site for just under a year and though i may admit to many of my faults in my diary, i just now got the balls to come onto the threads here and share my feelings that i dont share with anyone else. Noone wants to admit they are in trouble, its always an excuse one after the other but we have to find a way to battle it somehow. I cant afford to see a therapist to help me uncover why i may be the way i am, surely i have shared my feelings of worry with others, but often am told i am just like everyone else, that we all love to eat! Ya, well, not to the point of almost gagging because you have to eat it so fast wihtout even taking a breath. This site has gotten me to open up considerably with complete strangers and I do use this thread and i do make myself more accountable each time i come back here to share my recent downfalls. And everytime someone responds with understanding, i am spurred on to keep pluggin ahead to not give up....
by communicating with other folks thru the other threads in challenges I can tell you that there are alot of others out there who stuggle with late nite bingeing, afternoons where the cookies call to them endlessly, overeating or worse over exercising to the point of exhaustion because they want to please others who feel that they arent good enough, there are plenty of others who can relate to this thread, and I for one will not stop using it now that I have found it. I need support badly because I am not as out in the world as others are in a work environment, I am an at home mom, struggling to raise my 4 yr old right, keep my husband content with his food likes, and get him out the door daily with all he needs to sustain...(which is exactly the opposite of what i should eat) and I struggle daily wiht those moments of anxiety over whether i am a good enough wife, mom, daughter, person in my own ways that i have my own identity outside of my trouble with weight loss and food. Those two items seem to be the things i invest my time in, and they always allude me, leaving me with feelings of shame, upset, disappointment, anger, esp at myself for letting them win the game yet again, even though i put a hard hour of sweating and working out into the day, logged my foods all day etc, that still seem to win. Somedays it just seems that i am doing it all for nothing, even though i have lost over 30 pds, i feel sometimes like the weight and the effort it takes to lose, to find what makes my mind content, the constant diary updates, the tracking of endless numbers, the time to workout, just all seem to exhaust me instead of motivate me, esp when i step on the scale, or allow myself to splurge and have a nice evening out wiht my family eating at a nice restaurant and i see a gain. It means simply that I cant ever have a "normal" life like many others out there. That is a hard nut to swallow because all of this effort for me has been to be just that ...normal. BUt I never will be.
sorry if i ranted, i think i just took that little comment too personally as if the few who are here sharing arent enough to encourage you to keep trying.....but perhaps the rest of us can at least encourage each other with our stories of pain, struggle and triumpth. i hope that you can find that place where you may share and feel that you are finding the response that you need because it is out there, somewhere in this forum.
as for me, this weekend wasnt that bad, short of the saturday dinner we had at the family gathering. We met at our, my favorite pizza place and though i was a super good girl all day, i still had too much. Each bite of that hot cheesy pizza was like heaven. It has been over 2 years since i had their pizza and i made the effort to enjoy it till i couldnt anymore, while still trying not to overeat. In the end i think I had 4-5 pieces over the period of time there, also had a nice salad with red vinegar and oil, and of course i had a coke. I didnt want alcohol. I came home not feeling overfull, probably because there was space between pieces and i hadnt eaten alot all day. I tried not to feel badly because it was such a treat. But I also didnt step on the scale yesterday morning because i was afraid of the number i would see. Yesterday was a good day, worked outside in the yard for over 2 hours and had a sensible lunch. For dinner however, D wanted pancakes and bacon....i was too tired to try to make us each something different so i conceded and had that too....i had 3 pancakes and 2 slices of bacon. For my evening snack, i had almonds and walnuts and a mug of my diet cocoa. I didnt do horribly bad, but to my mind i overate. I had more pancakes than needed. I shouldnt have had that many, but if i hadnt had a full meal, i would have eaten even more afterwards. Its so hard. Today i got on the scale and there was 160 all over again. I was 158 on friday. Now, instead of trying to eat sensible and workout and get back on track, i am either wanting to just give up again or starve to make it disappear.......both bad, both unhealthy.....
so, i tried to outsmart my own head instead and i had a packet of sugar free oatmeal with a drop of butter and milk and cinnamon, with a small valencia orange and a cup of coffee. I will do my best to do right and not hurt myself today.
thanks for listening, please dont stop checking here, i assure you that your comments and posts are being read...they just dont all have the courage to speak up yet. Its not easy to admit how much we can hurt ourselves.
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Beatlesgirl
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| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
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| Posts: | 85 |
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Posted: 12 October 2009 06:32 pm |
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Okay, so yesterday was a bad day, all afternoon and most of the night was spent rowing with my bf, and I didnt eat hardly anything all day, so my bf got mad because I hadnt ate anything and forced me to eat pizza, I said like a thousand times that I didnt want pizza but in the end I ate two slices just to shut him up. Today I have had cranberry juice, a croissant, a coffee, fish and salad, an apple, red tea and three cheesy bread thingies, but I still have to have tea, and then the worst thing is after tea, in those couple of hours, those horrible couple of hours that I spend torturing myself over food, I always end up eating something , I just cant help it. My boyfriend spotted my problem out (even though I am well aware of my problem) he said "your problem is that you do kinda good all day long then you have tea and after tea you spend all night with food in your mouth". =S So my problem is sooo obvious.
It truely is the worst feeling when you go into the kitchen and see something you want to eat, you look down at your huge belly or thighs and cringe, but eat anyway. And even if you do manage to be in control, to say no (yep just say no, like a drugs campaign, because for MOST of us food = drugs) well even if you dont eat that certain thing you will eat something else, maybe lighter calories, so you will eat more of it =S.
A horrible thing that happens to me is that when I say no, and I dont eat anything, or if I just grab fruit or a small snack my belly starts to hurt, it´s weird. This is so horrible, I hate not being in control of what I put in my mouth, and as I keep saying my bf´s mum is not helping becuase shes always buying unhealthy foods which makes it harder to open the cupboard. the cupboard of doom....
sorry for going on and no, I need a solution to all of this, how can I stop my late night snacking?
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BJD74
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Posted: 12 October 2009 07:27 pm |
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beatles...i am STILL trying to figure that one out!!! Your bf has an idea tho about how after you have the tea you end up eating more......i wonder if i am having that same issue with my cocoa fix after dinner? I know too, for me esp is that my hubby eats his evening snack anywhere from 7-930pm and without a miss in the beat i want to eat too...i am not sure if its hunger, or longing for the ability to eat as he does and not gain an ounce, or if its cuz i want to eat just because he is eating, so why not have the fun too? i do know, its usually NOT BECAUSE I AM HUNGRY. Sad isnt it? In truth, I wonder if I EVER really EAT WHEN HUNGRY????
its a science and honestly i was never really any good at science...lmao...so i guess that means i will always sort of struggle with it, esp since i cant seem to just accept it, or win it or overcome it.... i just have to do my best each day...but it SUCKS how many days I do as you say, open cupboard, look at the things in it..healthy and not...and think, can i just have some without goin overboard and if i do, will i hate myself after???
i usually end up hating my lack of strength after....or go and workout twice and hard to burn off the additional 300 i have added to my day that was goin ok up till then...
just keep feeding this thread instead of our tummies.... lol....
hang in there beatles we can do this!!!
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REDQUEEN
New Member
| Joined: | 19 December 2005 |
| Location: | Virginia USA |
| Posts: | 59 |
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Posted: 13 October 2009 03:58 pm |
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Hi Everyone!
I am so glad that we have each other to share with. BJD, I am totally in agreement with you. . . we all share as we are able. I know that it is hard for others to understand our struggle. I just know that at night, when I walk into my kitchen, I think about all of you fighting the same battle that I am.
You all have made a profound difference to me. Even when I mess up, which is more often than not, my slip-ups haven't been as bad as they once were.
My binges are related to emotional stress. . . last night I was not very successful because of the family unrest that occurred with my sister. It is hard to believe that it is easier to turn to food instead of facing the real problem.
Hang in There ladies,
Your New Friend,
REDQUEEN
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 October 2009 04:38 pm |
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REDQUEEN,
Thank you very much for supporting my feelings, i wrote that and wasnt very sure of the reaction it would induce. :) I feel relief because I never ever speak up!!! AS you said, its often easier to just dive into that food than face feelings and emotions sometimes!
Yesterday wasnt too bad, sunday nite i jumped on D about his comment that he wanted to eat but he never did while i went and had more nuts, hot cocoa, a half of cupcake i made for our outing saturday nite....i got upset with him! like it was his fault!?!? He mentioned he wanted to eat and i ate instead, how is that his fault? its truelly not. Its all about my lack of control!
sunday nite, i had made dinner for me, but honestly it was yucky, i had gotten some imitation crab on sale at albertsons, had some before that really did taste close to crab...but this was just ick. So, i flavored it, made it better and tried...but failed to eat it...so i had a corn cob, mini size and cucumber with onion and sour cream salad...and my drink. So, of course i was still hungry, so i had 2 small bowls of rice crispy cereal, with a spoon of sugar and about 1/4 c milk...then i had 4 club crackers (wow, hadnt had in a LONG time, super salty!) and a cup of hot tea with milk and sugar. I didnt do too bad last nite...given that my dinner was a flop. I could have been worse, no doubt, but i kept you guys here in my head as you have and i think it got me over the hunger hump!
TODAY I WEIGHED IN AT 157. I am amazed. All I can say is Thanks for letting me unload all my worries here and keeping me pushing ahead.....lets see what today brings!!! :)
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Sylphide
Distinguished Member
| Joined: | 1 August 2006 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 242 |
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Posted: 14 October 2009 01:13 pm |
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I'm sorry I offended you BJD. When I said that I was sorry there didn't seem to be as much interest in the thread as I had hoped, there had been no posts for several days and I was afraid everyone had dropped out. By "interest" I meant people interested in posting regularly. Of course you are right that I have no way of knowing how many people are actually reading the thread. That sort of "interest" was not what I was talking about.
I didn't mean it as a criticism but just an observation. That's just what often happens on message boards; a thread that seems exciting will start, but then no one ever posts again.
In any case, I certainly wasn't wasn't talking about you personally when I said there seemed to be a lack of interest (in posting), because you have contributed more than anyone. I was actually hoping to encourage more people to post.
I'll stay off this thread now. The last thing I want to do is make people angry.
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 October 2009 04:26 pm |
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oh sylphide...please dont stop sharing with us! I take way too much personally, probably because i am one of the new regular writers here on this thread. One of my downfalls is my inability to not make it about me, because i do share so much of my own struggles, which is so hard for me to do. I appreciate that anyone takes time to respond or share their feelings in any way, because its not easy to do. Please dont stop writing here, you may not get alot of feedback regarding your post in particular but just sharing keeps all of us coming back, its the connection we all need. Perhaps, you may want to start a new thread, maybe with a new title that would catch the eyes. It is totally up to you and you know we are here in this thread trying to overcome our weakest points. We all need somewhere to share.
i wasnt mad, but i did take it a bit personally and i am sorry if i make you want to leave. Please dont leave. I have started posts and never gotten one response before and though i took it hard, i just had to move on and share in other similar posts. There are alot of folks on here that encounter our troubles in this thread that share in other threads...esp under challenges. Its harder maybe because things are classified by the larger titles, and i doubt that alot of folks really consider their troubles as Eating Disorders because they arent purging or anorexic etc....from my point of view, you have to kinda do some searching to find some threads, and you have to take the time. Perhaps you could put it under challenges as something like finding control in our food intake or something like that where we challenge each other to post how we do daily, how we feel daily....because to me and i bet others, this is definately a challenge.
either way, best of luck, we read your comments, we are here, almost daily and with more consistent responses perhaps this thread will be more popular. I know I count on this thread to get me over my nights when eating is in abundance around my house!!!!
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Beatlesgirl
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| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 85 |
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Posted: 14 October 2009 06:26 pm |
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Well today so far I´ve been bad, but it´s because I woke up with a cold and thought sod it, I need to eat today and look after myself...so I´ve had quite a bit of bread adn cheese and chocolate milk, oh well....its so annoying my nose is bright red and I can´t stop sneezing, im thinking about wrapping up and taking a little walk to get some fresh air. Just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you all (everybody that has a problem with food and even to the people who have conquered their problem, if you are reading please find the courage to post and tel us how you got over it...i´m sure many of us would be pleased to hear your stories). Right now I feel like a big horrible nose running mess....oh well.
Good luck for tonight (I say tonight cos thats when my munchies crawl in lol) when you do have the urge to completely eat everything in the cupboard my tip (that sometimes works and sometimes doesn´t) is to make yourself some herbal tea, eat a yogourt and a piece of fruit. (well we have to try something don´t we?xdddd) best of luck to everybody
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 October 2009 07:40 pm |
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awww beatles feel better! its a drag how bad the flu is setting in and its only October!!! MJ has it kinda bad too, but she is young and bounces back fast, but her nose is having its own parade, running around and all over!!!
nite time and mid afternoon are the hardest for me. So far today I have blown thru my 5 mile fat burn walk, walked outside with MJ while she rode her bike and eaten really sensibly. I could eat more for lunch, but i am resisting. My folks got me some baby brie at the costco and i have an apple sliced up and its sooo very tempting to dive into the brie and have it with my apple. I already had some egg noodles with chicken tho, so i will resist! THen, in a weak stress moment (Mj isnt eating her lunch and that makes me crazy!) immed. after i finished my chicken noodles, i dove into the leftover raviolis and wolfed two cold ones down!!! Its soo easy!!! Its soo bad!!!
I have to get thru the rest of the day and be good for dinner tonite then into the evening snack times. Last nite, somehow i didnt do too bad, we had cheese ravioli with homemade meat sauce and fresh homemade garlic bread. Surprisingly I didnt have a 2nd dish and i only had 1/2 of a piece of the bread!! Then, I had my diet cocoa for desert. WIERD that i didnt go crazy! D even pulled out his ice cream, his popcorn etc and i didnt eat!!!
Heres to a good nite for all of us, beatles if you get out today, dress warm!!! Remember your body needs good healthy substantial foods when you are sick, i always make homemade chicken soup {celery, chicken breast, carrot, a few potatoes, green chile (helps clear the sinuses)} and cook it for hours till everything is yummy and soft. ;-}
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 October 2009 02:55 am |
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hey all, ok well my day went to #%@&!. i started off super strong, then somehow i just unraveled in a BIG WAY!
It was after MJ's nap that she didnt take, she wasnt listening to me, she was getting into everything and pushing my buttons in every way. The 2 days after she comes back from my folks house are always an adjustment for us. So, after my 5 mile walk, and after a good lunch....i had club crackers, walnuts and almonds, half of a chug of vitamin d chocolate milk and at 4pm i dove into the leftover cheese raviolis...ended up having almost a whole serving of those (10 raviolis for 290 cal) plus the meaty tomato sauce. I felt soo guilty that i put on the video and pushed myself thru another 2 12min miles to attempt to bring my calories for the day down to a normal number. Of course, dinner came up, D and MJ wanted pizza, so i opted to have clam chowder...(but i shouldnt have had anything but water....)....but i added some milk to it, and then i had half an apple and a serving of brie....so after i put all that into my diary, i end up with over 2300 for the day, with a good deficit for my workouts...but ideally i am supposed to stay around 1500 and then take away any workout calories....so, in total i BLEW IT BIG TIME and its not even 8pm. :(
I am in for a loooong nite. I am in a miserable angry irritable mood and i am mad at myself in all ways, i dont want to be touched or loved or anything, because i dont feel worthy. I was a big piggy today and I am afraid to see the scale tomorrow.
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Beatlesgirl
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| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
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| Posts: | 85 |
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Posted: 15 October 2009 05:04 pm |
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BJ! Dont be to hard on yourself! At least you are doing exercise, I however am a big lazy #%@&! and havent done any type of exercise in over 2 weeks! And I´m sleeping loads, the flu is probably making me tired but I sleep and still I´m tired!!!
Yesterday I was naughty, I spoke to my mm on the phone and she said you should look after yourself, have a treat....so I went for a MC FLURRY! KIT KAT! and may I say HEAVEN!!!! oh my god, when I got back I had some noodle soup and then I had chocolate mouse!! I´ve definetely gone up a few kilos, today I woke up with a horrible running nose and every time I breathe I hear this weezy horribly cough, so I did something that I read online, you boil water and sit there with a towel over your head and the steam helps you to breathe, well I suppose it helped a little bit but when you have a cold there is nothing that can stop you feeling like #%@&!, and to top it off I´m eating all the wrong foods, now for instance I´m eating a big bowl of tomato pasta... I´ve got a horrible sore on my nose too ! yuch!
well tongight (I always say this but never do it) im going to load up on herbal teas, one after the other...that should stop me eating and its good to have plenty of warm liquids when you have the flu.
BJ (im really #%@&! at cooking) to make chicken soup....how do I cook the chicken? And thank you for your replies and comments, It´s really nice to see that you are reading my entries. Maybe you should find some other low cal drink for the evening because you might get bored of your cup of cocca, maybe low fat strawberry milkshake or low fat ice cream. Good luck!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 15 October 2009 05:16 pm |
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beatles....just make a big stock pot of water and dump your chicken breasts in there and let them boil or cook on medium or low until they basically fall apart. If thawed its no more than an hour or so, frozen takes maybe 2 hours, but again it depends on the temp. In fact, just throw all of it in together (veggies etc), season with salt pepper, fresh garlic if you have any (can get it in jar chopped up already), or garlic powder or garlic salt and if you cant get chilis...which i am betting you cant....then just get some chili powder, paprika or cayenne....but any sort of hot soup will help. Just to give it a little kick so it will clear your sinuses.
For your nose, boil that water, and you can put salt in it as well and then steam your head. There is a sinus flush that you can buy too, my 4yr old knows how to do it! CRAZY! my mom got it for her while she was staying there, with a cold...and it drains you out totally fast. However, you will go thru like a box of tissues from all the drainage. Vicks saave is also good for your stuffy nose, you just smear a little under your nose and allow it to do its magic.
Have you gotten some cold medicine? even a day time nite time blend should help you!! :) Poor thing! Feel better!!
I weighed in at 157 again, so though i didnt do so good yesterday, at least i am not suffering from the gain today....hopefully today i will be a good girl..... :)
hugs and feel better!
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Beatlesgirl
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| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
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| Posts: | 85 |
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Posted: 15 October 2009 05:35 pm |
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thank you! Yeah I´ve been carrying vicks around with me all day! haha, it didnt know it was as easy as chuck everything into water and boil! Tomorrow I will get up earlier and make some soup so it´s ready in time for dinner. I need to weigh myself as its been 3 weeks since my last weigh in, im scared that I will have gone up a few kilos but maybe it wont be so bad if I go up a bit because then I know that I will push myself harder and get back on track, and start doing some exercise.
My tip for everyone is to start drinking orange juice or eating oranges as I read on the net that vitamin C helps you to not get a cold...! hahaha, yeah I´m going to wrap up warm now and go for some fresh air.
Hugs!
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Beatlesgirl
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| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
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Posted: 17 October 2009 02:09 am |
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wELL Today I made chicken soup! I made it with chicken, potatoes, chickpeas, peppers, onions, green veggies...well it was delicious, and there´s still some leftover for tomorrows dinner, and I can imagine that to be quite low cal? Well the only naughty thing is the potatoes xddd so in that department good....
in the bf department bad....today we went to wash our car and there was this really good looking blonde girl washing her car, and I saw my bf staring at her (he said he wasnt staring at her but wondering if she was going to take long becuase there weren´t any other vacumers) well anyway I went over and hit him on the head, He went mad at me and smacked me (very lightly, but still) and he said something that made me think a lot as I cried in the car he said "I´ts not fault that you are so insecure about yourself" then I go tthinking, do I seriously think that if I lose a bit of weight I will magically transform into some drop dead hot girl? I feel really ugly these days (I know im not ugly, im not stunning, im just normal) but I feel ugly and fat. It´s horrible. Instead of feeling fitter I´m feeling fatter, its probably becuase I´m sick and I´ve been eating and doing no exercise. I don´t know, I don´t know how I can feel so insecure about myself, It´s like I feel that every single girl in mallorca is beautifull and I´m just average. I´m telling you all here because I dont have anybody else to talk to, and if I did they would say that I´m stupid. There aren´t anyways to make myself feel better, I try putting makeup on but that doesn´t work.
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 October 2009 03:28 am |
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beatles, i am sure you are a pretty young thing with a great figure but yeah you are feeling Extra bad now since you are sick. Based on your description i think you sound cute! I try not to watch my hubby, because if i do and catch him just glancing i would probably freak out....but honestly, like at concerts and stuff, we people watch together and he picks out women that i wouldnt necessarily think are :hot: or above average in my eyes. Its weird. I havent ever had that before, and I sure feel lucky. I really need to be more appreciative and less skanky, because i assure you i have my days where i just want to be single again. Its wierd to be on the other side of it now, in a happy healthy relationship. Sure, we have our issues and i am super sensitive, but we both have been hurt so badly in the past that this was our last chance to make ourselves happy....so best we dont abuse and mistreat one another with the trivial things like comparing ourselves to others who obviously we wont ever be. Being older is also helping alot. I have to remember that you all are soo much younger, and when i was in my 20s i had SOOOO MANY insecurities! Only after I had my baby girl at age 31 did i start to see that even if i was overweight to myself, that i had made a glorious beautiful baby girl so i wasnt too bad myself....lol...ironic eh?
i think all that is happening here for you young ladies is that you are trying on these guys to see how well they fit, sure you love them, sure you invest time with them etcetcetc... and perhaps they arent the right ones but they are molding you to get to the one who is a good fit. Dont let them beat you down by their snide remarks or snippy comebacks.....as my hubby sais...men are pigs. lol..he honestly sais that all the time, esp when i share with him the stories i read on here about my "friends" ......but dont get me wrong, in his 20's he was a pig too....its a superficial booby butt wanting decade for men, they may as well be horny teenagers, they dont appreciate the brains and the looks can be equal just yet....all they see are TandA.....which is sad but true...and remember that all women mature sooner than men....so consider anyone 20 something to more teen something! :) lol....
dont fret. you are sick now, you will get back to your happy self when youre back on your feet. As i keep telling Once, you just have to love yourself enough to get out there on your own, or to allow him to be the man he is and let it roll off...which is really really hard and will still leave you wanting for that loving kind man who will support your every wish and attempt. These guys are just learning lessons preparing you for the right one, he is out there...i promise! :)
big hug sickie!!! :) Enjoy your soup, i am very very proud of you!!!! And watch out for the mums who bring you junk, they all just want to keep us fat and happy, which is how it was back in the day when they were our age, there was a time when men appreciated that a woman would eat her whole plate and stay home taking care of the kids.....
i cant tell you how many times i have tossed food that was terrible to me to the animals of our house! lol...its ok, food is dispensible....and they never have to know you didnt eat it....lol....
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Beatlesgirl
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| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
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Posted: 17 October 2009 03:03 pm |
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thanks bj!
well today I´m feeling even more #%@&!ty! It´s so horrible! How long can a cold go for? So I cried all morning (basically becuase I feel sick and minging! Minging is a word we use in the uk with means like horrible,ugly,disgusting,vile all in the same word) I heard my bf downstairs telling his mum that I am annoying!!!!! So I went mad at him, I´ve been eating my soup and taking medication but my face is red, under my nose and my lips are swollen and red, my head hurts, I feel like I havent slept in days, and every where I look are these stupid skinny bitches. To #%@&! with them! When I get over this cold I´m going to eat right and do exercise everyday, but until then I´m going to crawl under my bed! lol, seriously I feel like someone has punched me in the face.
Bj you said that you are writing a book, thats amazing, I write also, but I normally write a few pages enthusiastically and then stop, and its weird becuase I don´t think, I just make it up as I go along,
uffff heads banging, feel like I´m going to throw up, can someone give me a magic pill please!!!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 October 2009 03:53 pm |
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hee hee beatles, i write books on here...i am not physically writing a book....but i really should!!! i have considered it because i am very wordy as you can see all my threads and comments...lol....
i have even looked up publishing stuff.....but just havent done it! Maybe I should???
You should see a doctor? Are you taking some cold meds? That sounds bloody awful!!! I am sorry you feel so cruddy!
good news for me though, last nite i had not one snack after dinner!!! Arent i a good girl?? :) ha! only one nite!! We decided to give each other massages and that kept our hands busy! we both were in total need of relaxing....i get such horrible headaches, n the workouts just tense up muscles so easily even with stretching...ugh....and we never give each other the time that we should..there is just never enough time.... :) it was nice to spend time with each other...:) <3
feel better beatles girl......i am sorry you are so sick right now...i cant believe i havent gotten sick this year!!!!Thank goodness!! :)
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Beatlesgirl
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| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
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Posted: 20 October 2009 03:56 pm |
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Well my skin is a bit #%@&!ty and I still weeze from time to time and sneeze and sniff but I am feeling a lot better. I made soup again, I was more juicy this time, I think I went overboard with the water but its still a healthy meal, and its hot.
I haven´t done any exercise so I´m feeling pretty fat, I need to make plans with my mate to go running or something.
BJ! I´m so proud of you for not eating! I always end up eating something, last night after tea I had fanta (its diet though and has 17cals) and a chocolate bun thing with 150 cals xddddd so I´m proud of you for not eating, I should follow your example, I read somewhere that its better to go to be slightly hungry =S
Well today I need to go and get weighed and see the damage that my flu has done to me!!!! So I´ll post later on,
GOOD LUCK!!! WE CAN DO IT!
and yes definetely you should write a book, even if you just have it laying there in your house, it will be good to read it in the future!!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 20 October 2009 04:56 pm |
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oh beatles, well i am happy you are feeling better, amen!
as for me, woke sunday with a migraine and i didnt do anyting but lay on the couch and eat eat eat...i didnt start that way, but eventually it was all i could do to feel better....lol...sick eh? had 3 bowls of mini wheats, a king size snickers bar, chips and salsa, and on and on.......i had over 2600 calories that day, that is 1000 over what i should have to maintain....not even to lose. To lose it needs to be 1400 or less. My gosh, I woke up monday to 160 again, even though sunday morning was 156 finally....after the hard work i put in all week my sunday weigh in made me smile, even with a migraine...but i wasnt strong enough to let the food sit there, i had to eat it all. That is what headaches do to me though, they totally send me reeling, like a hangover, only i dont drink much, if any. But when i was in bowling league i drank and at 2am, i would be driving home STARVING drunk and i would stop at anything open and wolf the food down, barely tasting it at all, just trying to keep from getting sicker than i already felt.
That was over 4 years ago, i dont do that anymore....i promise.
Sunday was a write off day, Monday i did better, but i stil had up to 1900 or 2000 cal at least. Stress also sends me reeling and MJ and D were at each others throats, she was clingy with me and he kept tellin her to give me space cuz i wasnt feeling well and she wouldnt listen and it escalated terribly to her really not listening to either of us, and D raised his voice, which he never does...so of course, in my few moments of alone times i would eat!!!
Not healthy, not good...but its past. I have to let it go and start new today. I got my latest Leslie workout video yesterday, so i plan to give it a go today, plus i am on a new list of NONO's and i ate a cookie yesterday (a no no) and when i do that i vowed i have to do a 12 min mile....so i have a lot of working out to do today. You should join us in that no no list, its under the EAT WELL CHALLENGE....you will see some familiar names doing it with me... :) Its good to keep us accountable... :) its a regular thread for about 5 of us. :)
Here is to a new day beatles! :) hugs and get better!
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 October 2009 05:48 pm |
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ITS WEDNESDAY AND I AM UPSET ABOUT THE SCALE TELLING ME THAT I AM INDEED 2 PDS UP FROM YESTERDAY AND I WORKED OUT 7.5 MILES YESTERDAY, INCL OF WEIGHTS, STRENGTH AND INTERVAL TRAINING. I AM VERY SPURRED TO EAT, BUT I AM NOT HUNGRY, I AM JUST UPSET. I AM HERE BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO BLOW THIS FLUCTUATION FURTHER BY EATING.
I DECIDED TO MAKE OATMEAL TODAY FOR BREAKFAST, AND WENT FOR 2 PACKETS INSTEAD OF ONE. MADE IT TOO WATERY AND ADDED A 3RD PACKET! HEATED IT ALL UP, THEN GOT SMART AND JUST PUT SOME OF THAT MIX INTO A SMALLER BOWL, THE EQUIVELENT OF 1 PACKET.
I MAY HAVE THE OTHER ONES THRU THE DAY AS MY FOOD OR SNACK, BUT I AM PROUD OF MYSELF FOR NOT EATING ALL OF IT FOR BREAKFAST BECAUSE THAT WOULD HAVE ALLOWED MY "MOOD" TO AFFECT MY EATING AGAIN HENCE BRINGING MORE WEIGHT ON.
YESTERDAY I DID EAT OUT FOR LUNCH WITH MJ, I GOT HER A CHEESEBURGER MEAL AT WENDYS AND I GOT MYSELF THE SOUTHWEST TACO SALAD. IT WAS 600 CALORIES, BUT IT WAS SOO DELICIOUS. I ATE ALMOST ALL OF IT, IT WAS ONLY SALAD, GOOD CHILE AND JUST ENOUGH TORTILLA STRIPS AND CHIPOTLE DRESSING. IT WAS WORTH IT. AND BESIDES, AFTER I WORKED OFF 6 MILES OF WALKING THAT INCL THE STRENGTH, KICKBOXING, JOGGING AND I KNOW I DID GOOD FOR ME. I DIDNT SNACK ALL DAY AFTER THAT, I HAD A SANDWICH FOR DINNER WITH PASTRAMI AND SWISS THAT D BROUGHT HOME FOR ME. IT WASNT EVEN A 6 IN SUB! I HAD MILK WITH IT AND ALL I HAD FOR SNACK LAST NITE WAS 6 CLUB CRACKERS AND A GLASS OF HOT TEA WITH MILK AND SUGAR. I DID REALLY WELL YESTERDAY, SO I AM SAD THAT I HAVE SUCH A HIGH NUMBER TODAY ON THE SCALE.
ITS JUST A NUMBER. I HAVE BEEN ADVISED ONCE AGAIN NOT TO WEIGH IN DAILY, BUT I CANT SEEM TO STOP NOW. I AHVE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE LAST NOVEMBER, AND THEN AVERAGING THE WTS FOR SATURDAYS OFFICIAL WEIGHT OF THAT WEEK. I TELL MYSELF I CAN STOP DOING IT, BUT SO FAR I HAVENT WON THAT MIND BATTLE.
TODAY WONT GET ME. I WONT LET IT. I WILL DO MY WORKOUT AS I PLANNED, I WILL CLEAN THE HOUSE AND I WILL EAT GOOD. I WONT LET MY BRAIN WIN!!!!
BEATLES, REDQUEEN, LADIES HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY????? BIG HUGS!
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Beatlesgirl
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| Joined: | 17 September 2009 |
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Posted: 22 October 2009 03:17 pm |
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Well yesterday I went to find a scale to see what damages my flu had done to my health, and even though I thought it would be up, I wished it would be down.
Well the last weigh in was 54.4 kg and yesterdays weigh in was 54.2 kg, so I haven´t even lost a pound but at least I hven´t gone up. My bf was with me and he asked how I´d done, when he saw it he said well at least you haven´t gone up. I wanted to go down to 45 but now I have a temporary challenge of getting down to 50 by the end of november. Which means I´m going to have to track my food more and DO exercise, I figure that If I have a light breakfast, and I make my dinners and teas soup or salads, then the only challenge will be night time.
My bf is really pissing me off, he says that I´m obsessed with this forum, it really hurting me because I´ve told him how much it is helping me to be able to talk to somebody about all this that goes on in my head. It´s okay for him, he´s almost anorexic, I can´t take it anymore, he´s always bossing me about, like if he cant sleep he´ll put the light on to read but If I can´t sleep and I put the light on there would be murder. I don´t even know what to say to him anymore, ´he´s always got a smatter comment. It´s really stressing me out.
I wouldn´t mind actually being thin and people saying to me wow you´ve lost weight, or even omg eat something you look so thin, but it would be my mothers comments when she sees me in photos that would be bad, she is angry that I am even considering losing weight, but she isn´t me, I would like to feel confident someday about my body. Even if I get down to 50 I dont know if I would notice any changes so I think I should concentrate on doing squats and things like that to tone up. So I need to make a plan, I just wish somebody could be supportive, up until now if it wasn´t for you bj I would have been so despressed.
That was very frustrating what happened to you with the scales, but think about something, maybe you are putting muscle weight on or maybe you are retaining liquids. There´s a list of things to do to help liquid retention on my diary, you are all free to check it out. I need something in my life to keep me going, and right now I think that reaching my goal of 50 by the end of november will help me.
Here´s to a good day and night for all of us, just think about what you put in your mouth and ask yourself "is it really worth it?"
Good luck
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BJD74
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 22 October 2009 04:06 pm |
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good day beatles! thanks for letting me know that i help you somedays, when its hard and you feel alone...i have to say the same for you! :) i know i can vent alot here at home, but some days i admit my man is the same way, he gets really frustrated to hear me complain about my gains and the stories of our "ouatg" stories of dispair and sadness with her man and her struggles...etc..etc.....just the daily stuff i share and learn on here. He thinks that i am just gorgeous this way, but for me, i still see alot that needs to go....like the thighs and my upper arms...which is why i am working so hard physically. Foodwise i am still borderline with what i can and cant do.....mostly still taking more of the cants than cans..lol....but i am trying. yesterday was a near perfect day! I had my diet cocoa last nite, but i ended up tossing half of it out since i had put coffee in it too...it overwhelmed the wimpy flavor of the cocoa...after that, i really wanted to have popcorn but it was 915 and my new no no is nothing after 9pm..so i asked aloud if i can have popcorn he said no, so i had my sugar free lemonade instead and smoked a small bowl....lol....
my weakness, yes, it helps wiht headaches...bad aint it/ but its sure better than most things!!! lol....
anyway, so last nite i ended up with the ideal ratio that NIR has recommended, i had like 1450 total intake, then worked off about 700 and that left me with like 750 net calories......if i can do that every day (yeah, except sunday and monday when d is here all day, then i lose it all!!!)....then i could stand to lose.....but i have only gotten one day...
today i am at 159 first am weigh in. that is ok. if i can get thru today and tomorrow and saturday with good days, i should see a decent drop. PRay i see a decent drop!
I am tickled that you didnt gain!!!! You were so sick!!! I am happy you are back on your feet, i highly recommend a digital scale, get one at the local store. :) then you can relax having a scale there at home.
As for the man, i am not sure what to say, you are goin in another direction and it sounds like he isnt goin with you???? i think it happens too often when one goes on a quest to get better in any way, because ideally it means that you arent happy...so you want to improve and of course, men take it all personally that its about them....but hey, if he isnt showing the love while you make these changes, well, then....???? only you know what you should do...
My mom is super jealous of my loss, she wishes she could do it! I have never been smaller than my wittle mommy, she has always been fluffy but not heavy to me, she is stacked with small legs. She has a barrel middle, the worst kind of shape because of the heart and the fat that just sits around her middle is weighing heavy on her heart.....i am blessed with height at least and i have a great hourglass shape that is finally showing thru! Its taken me a year, shy of one month since i started this thanksgiving weekend last year......i am just 36 pds down and about 32 inches off the whole body. (#%@&!, with all the working out i am doing these days with my weights, i sure hope i am losing more and gaining muscles!!!)
the latest video i got from leslie sansone is great! sure the 1mile isnt too hot, but its good if i am not feeling well and just need a small boost. The other three programs rock! One is strength and walking, so you do 3min of 4.5mph fast walk/2min of strength training, squats etc and you do 4 sets of those along with a warm up and cool down....then the 2nd is walk/jog which is the same walk with 2min sets of jogging with knee lifts, leg swings etc....same format ...then the 3rd is kickboxing and walking so that is the same walk format with 2 mins of kickboxing moves......that one is great! I am surviving the squats but its hurting my knee something fierce....but i dont want to quit now...its just something i have to deal with forever......falling down a flight of stairs years ago, has screwed my knee but it only hurts when i do squats for a period of time.... :(
i would look at her videos if i were you, you may really get off on them...she is super positive and motivating and awesome! :)
walkathome.com is her website, and you can order all of her stuff via amazon.com.......
:)
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